Through The Looking Glass, Darkly
by SpaceAnJL
Summary: Sheldon subscribes to the many worlds theory, which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons, in an infinite number of universes.  He just never expected to meet one of them...  Canonverse, pre S4 finale
1. Chapter 1

_a/n – Thanks to Trbl for enabling the madness._

_._

_._

_._

There are some things that it is a Bad Idea to Do:

Play golf in a thunderstorm.

Get involved in a land war in Asia.

And sit in the JPL, playing 'Mystic Warlords of Ka'a', the Limited Edition Collector's version, with the special hand-drawn Spellcaster's Expansion Pack, on the site of Jack Parsons' Magickal Workings...

00000000

Leonard opens his eyes, and tries to make sense of the world. It is mostly dark, with the odd glow of emergency lighting, and the faint chemical smell of the fire suppressant system. He appears to be under the tangled remains of a couple of chairs.

Howard had drawn the late duty shift, overseeing some very dull data-crunching, so Raj and Leonard had snuck in to keep him company. Leonard had swiped the cards as a bribe, a means of patching fractured friendships; what the actual owner doesn't know won't hurt him.

Then the lights had blown out, the darkness rent by spitting electricity and flames, and something had knocked him flying... He touches the back of his head, and winces. Somewhere close by, there's a whole sequence of thumps and clatters, and some swearing in various combinations of Yiddish, Hindi and Klingon.

"That was some Enchanted Bunny..." Raj.

"Oh, this can't be happening..." Howard.

The steam-hammers in his skull start up another round, and Leonard groans, begins to push himself upright. He can't move his legs for a moment, but panic subsides when he realises that that is because there is a weight across them.

When he sees what the weight consists of, a whole new series of questions arise.

Leonard's fantasies have always run more to 'slave-girl Leia' than 'Xena', but he can't deny that the thigh boots and short, belted tunic suit Penny, a delectable sprawl of shapely limbs and blonde hair.

"Dude, what the hell, you're seeing my sister now." Raj snaps.

"She can't be found in here." Howard moans. "I only just got limited clearance back after the last investigation."

"Look, I don't _know_ what she's doing here." Leonard holds his aching head.

"Well, you gotta get her the hell out before anyone starts asking questions."

Leonard dithers briefly, but then he considers trying to explain the situation to Priya. Sheldon would probably give them a lecture on not moving someone with a possible head injury, but Sheldon isn't here, and Penny is breathing, and making small moaning sounds, and not obviously bleeding.

"Raj, you take her other arm."

Getting out of the building is going to be surprisingly easy. The doors might have gone into emergency lockdown, but there's a hole right through the walls, the cool night air clearing away the stink of burning plastic. Penny is really out of it, but she manages to put one foot in front of the other two times out of three. Slipping and staggering, they make it out into the parking lot, evading security. Raj is still raging quietly.

"Seriously, man, you cannot be making time with your ex."

"I wasn't, I wouldn't." Not unless he was single again. "I have no idea what she's doing here."

Unless maybe she was planning to surprise him, trying to rekindle things with him. Everything is frustratingly unclear and unresolved, even now. He can't help a small, smug spark of excitement at the idea, and the fact that he is in a position to turn her down, crush her as she crushed him. Because of course he would. Even if she is dressed in leather. Yeah.

He feels a bit bad leaving Howard to deal, but it is going to be a lot easier for the one person who was supposed to be there to explain himself. Whatever there was to explain.

00000000

Sheldon does give them a lecture about moving someone with a possible spinal injury, or broken limbs, or concussion. So Leonard tells him that if he's so concerned, then he gets to monitor the situation. He wants to get the heck out of there, and explain things to Priya before she hears Raj's version.

Which means that Sheldon finds himself shunted into Penny's apartment, and abruptly abandoned there.

It is quite possible that under severe torture, Sheldon might admit to being bothered by certain... thoughts about his neighbour, on occasion. Frustrating and inconvenient as it may be, every so often his body sees fit to remind him of his corporeal existence.

Just now, he is rather less bothered by the expanse of skin revealed, than by the thought that there might be some damage hidden beneath the surface. Granted, as far as he can ascertain, Penny does not see fit to actually use the somewhat limited intelligence that she does possess, but brain damage is no laughing matter.

He wonders what she was doing up at the JPL, and dressed like that, when he had seen her leave for work in her uniform earlier, and a strange pang bothers him. He really doesn't want to go through the ridiculous process yet again, of watching the slow motion trainwreck that is the mésalliance between his room-mate and his friend. Raj's sister is extremely irritating, in very many ways, but she does make Leonard less whiny. Mainly due to his increasing absence from the apartment. But with Penny, it had been a whole succession of either bragging or wallowing self-doubt. Even someone with his limited knowledge of relationships had thought that to be unhealthy.

He misses those early days, when Penny had still been an unattainable goal for Leonard, and his pining had been easier to filter out. Their interactions then had been easier, more cheerful. There hadn't been this element of negotiation, balancing the number of his friendships.

But with the advent of Amy Farrah Fowler moving herself into the role of his female friend, where does that leave Penny? She had redefined herself within their group, as Leonard's girlfriend. Did that mean that she had always been manoeuvring towards that goal, and without it, she has no need to be connected to them, except to freeload takeout and wi-fi? To reduce her to merely Leonard's ex-girlfriend, and see her only as his friend Amy's friend...

Adhesive ducks and 'Soft Kitty' and Penny-blossoms. Far more than he ever needed to know about female footwear, and 'chick flicks', and the inanities of reality tv. 'Age of Conan', and dear lord, Fig Newtons.

She has a limited intellect, and the attention span of gnat, and he misses the way she used to smile at him, wide and happy and free.

It was utterly irresponsible to move her without seeking professional assessment of her injuries. He has no idea if they even checked her pupil dilation or pain response. Tutting to himself, he manages to force Penny's icebox door open, and make a rough coldpack. A lesson from early childhood, the efficacy of a bag of frozen peas applied to eyes, nose or cheekbone. A passably clean dishcloth wrapped about it, and he paces back, reaches over to lay the makeshift coldpack on her.

Penny's eyes snap open. She comes off the bed in one swift movement, and Sheldon finds himself pinned back against the door, one arm across his throat, and the point of a stiletto heel aimed at him. Penny has often threatened him with physical harm, but this time, he thinks she might mean it.

He is extremely startled when she promptly drops the shoe and clings to him like a limpet.

He raises an awkward wavering hand, and pats a shoulder.

"There, there, Sheldon's here..."

She pulls back, and wide green eyes look at him with bewilderment.

"Sheld_on_? And where _is_ 'here'?"

There is wisdom in not provoking someone who just nearly put a knockoff Louboutin through your left eyeball. Clearly, there is no physical impairment. It is far too late to call up either of the women he knows who could give him a more professional assessment re disturbed neurological function. He is just going to have to do the best he can.

"Do you know who you are?" he asks, slowly and clearly. The 'well, duh' expression he gets back is far more familiar.

"Yeah, I'm Queen Penelope, and let me tell you, if you had anything to do with that glowy door in the sky thing, you are in deep trouble unless you fix it."

His first thought is that she has suffered a blow to the head, and now thinks she's a character from 'Age of Conan'. If she has reverted to her gaming obsession, it would explain the outfit.

But.

Sheldon is not the most observant of people, but he does have an eidetic memory, and his racing mind, fuelled by adrenaline, is noting discrepancies.

This is indeed _a_ Penny. But not Penny the weary, slightly hungover waitress and wannabe actress. This is a fast, feral Penny, with a lithe grace to her, a Penny without that sour pinch to her mouth, or the sarcastic lift to her eyebrows. This Penny has better muscle tone, clearer skin and no odour of stale alcohol and cheap cooking fat about her.

The startling but inescapable conclusion is that this is indeed not _his_ Penny.

00000000

In the alley behind the Cheesecake Factory, there is a sudden gust of wind, that blows from nowhere, spinning the dust and trash into little eddies. Small jolts of electricity arc between the walls, the parked cars, the dumpsters, which jitter and rattle spasmodically. The wind grows stronger. Ice begins to form, a rapid film across glass and metal. And now the lightning lashes along the walls, a crackling, spitting ball of energy, until a pinprick of darkness at the heart expands suddenly into a sphere.

There is an abrupt calm.

The crouched figure raises his head, stands swiftly. His sharp blue gaze takes in everything around him, calculates and assesses.

He gestures, and a vivid crack of fire causes a garbage can to explode. He smiles grimly, blows on his fingers. Well, _that_ still works here, anyway. And for everything else, there's a couple of feet of sharp steel.


	2. Chapter 2

_a/n – The opinions expressed within this fic are very definitely those of the author. This is as near as I am willing to come to the utterly toxic crapfest that is canon without protective clothing. Frankly, I think 'Lorro' and 'Bilpo' deserve far worse than being beaten around the head with an iron bar._

.

.

.

Penny steps out of the staff entrance, and pulls her jacket a bit tighter. It's cold out here this evening. She walks briskly down the alley, a little wary. It looks like some moron has lit a firecracker in one of the dumpsters, little drifts of charred garbage and a splash of metal up the wall. She hopes that doesn't mean they've done anything in the parking lot – she really can't afford a car bill. Heck, she's skating by on her car insurance. And her health insurance. And her rent.

Everything has just been such a wretched mess over the last year or so. Her acting career, such as it was, has basically disappeared. Her old friends have all pretty much disappeared, too. She likes Bernadette and even Amy well enough, but it isn't quite the same. She couldn't even hold onto Leonard - she's not proud to realise that a lot of her pissy behaviour towards him and Priya is because it damn well shouldn't have been so easy for _him_ to move on and trade up, and leave _her_ with the same round of dumbass dipshits. The smarter guys never seem to want to talk to her – heck, no guy she knows ever seems to want to just _talk_ to her. She amends that thought – one guy did. But even that has changed. There's always a third wheel around now, and it seems increasingly to be her.

She can't seem to get a grip on any of it. She makes stupid impulsive decisions, that leave her with yet another pair of shoes she doesn't need, or another guy who gives her a dud phone number. Sometimes, it feels like she's stuck recycling scenes from some tired old script, a dreary round of the crappy job and the crappy men, with nothing to look forward to but years of the same. Like she's been reduced to a bit part in her own life, the dumb blonde who doesn't even rate a surname in the credits...

_Something_ drops down off the fire escape in a dramatic swirl of black cloak. Penny screams, and is already reflexively drawing her Mace before she registers the face.

"Jeez, Sheldon, you nearly gave me a heart-attack."

He's dressed like something off that 'Game of Thrones' thing the guys have been fanboying over, all black leather and metal. The look works for him, actually. That's a nicer outfit than some of the superhero stuff, more badass bad-boy than primary-coloured playworker.

"What are you doing here? Did they dump you at the comic store and take off again?"

For a moment, his face has a slightly lost, desolate look, then he tilts his head, a familiar gesture.

"Ah, I see. And I too have a counterpart in this world? That should simplify matters. Take me to him."

"If you want a lift home, you could just say. And a 'please' might be nice."

He blinks at her, then suddenly gives a stiff but elegant bow.

"My apologies. Please. It would be helpful for me to speak to this Sheldon."

Penny gets a little prickle up her spine. Not exactly fear, but... It's Sheldon's face, and Sheldon's voice, and he still moves a bit like him, even dressed like a Tolkien reject, but somehow this Sheldon looks...dangerous. Quite apart from the crazy talk.

"So, you're not Sheldon this evening?"

"No, I am Sheldor."

Oh, crap.

She'd been worried when he ran off to Texas, and concerned when he started collecting cats, but if he's run off somewhere inside his head, it's gonna take more than a half-assed apology from the guys to bring him back.

She's not supposed to call Leonard, interfere with his new and perfect life with his new and perfect girlfriend, but this constitutes some kind of emergency. She doesn't take her eyes off him, easing her phone out of her pocket.

"Hi, Leonard, it's me...yeah, it's Penny...what, no, I've been at work all evening...look, I dunno what's going on, but I think Sheldon's taking a long walk off the short sanity plank again ..." Her face goes utterly blank for a second. "No, I'm wearing my goddam uniform, Leonard. I've had a long day slinging hash to fat, sweaty businessmen, screaming kids and grabby fratboy assholes, I don't need this crap, okay? I'm sorry I bust in on your cosy evening in with Priya, but I thought you might be just a bit concerned that your friend might be having some kind of a breakdown."

She ends the call, and wonders what the heck to do now. She can't leave him wandering round dressed like that. If he plays Batman at someone who doesn't know him, she's gonna be bailing him out of a jail cell. Again.

Sheldor watches her out of the corner of his eye. His darling's face, but worn, tired, an unhappy droop to her mouth and shoulders. He growls inside, and hopes that his counterpart is not responsible for that. Obviously, there is something badly amiss in this world.

"Quit staring. Have I got dirt on my face or something?"

"I find you somewhat disconcerting." He admits. "You have her face, and something of her manner, but you are clearly not my Queen."

That stings a lot more than it should, somehow.

"Oh, yeah?" Belligerent. "So you think I'm not good enough to be a Queen, huh?"

But he simply gives a little huff.

"I merely stated that you are a different person. Obviously, this world operates on somewhat different social parameters."

"Well, I don't get to go running about stealing stuff and fighting monsters." Considers her shift manager. "Or turn people into icky puddles of goo."

"Would you like to?"

"The day I've had..." She tails off, rummaging in her bag, looks up to find him staring at her little car with more than his usual expression of disdain.

"This is your method of transportation?"

She seems to spend a lot of her life humouring this nutcase.

"Yeah, now get in it, 'cos the magical chariot is gonna take us home."

He gives her a withering look.

"This is clearly a mechanical device." Then he blinks, suddenly alert. "Then thaumaturgy is not generally practised here?"

"What?"

"The power of influencing events by the use of a rigidly defined sequence of symbols and rituals designed to interact with the natural forces of the universe in order to manifest aspects of the will." He looks at her face, sighs. "Magic."

"Oh, sweetie, is Howard still pulling that dumb card stunt?" Sure, it had been funny for an evening, but they do like to keep prodding at Sheldon, and he's so helpless. "You know we were just messing with you, I'm sorry."

No obvious magic, no obvious weaponry, the stink of machinery around him. But he has followed his Queen to this place, and _his_ powers still work.

Clearly, this Penelope...Penny, she calls herself, has a different relationship to his counterpart. And she still persists in thinking that he _is_ this Sheldon. Thoughtfully, he opens the door of the contraption, takes a moment to fold his cloak to his satisfaction, manoeuvre his sword, copy her use of the restraining belt.

Penny debates whether to go via Euclid, but decides that annoying the crazy guy might not be a good plan.

She'd often wondered what Sheldon would be like if he was little more, well, normal. There are moments, when he winds the weirdness down, when there are glimpses of something halfway human about him. But normally, he's more highly strung than a violin up Mount Everest, a jittery mass of neurosis and obsession.

This brisk, purposeful Sheldon is new. Well, new-ish. The set jaw and the hooded eyes are not completely unfamiliar, and when he measures his words, his voice always deepens slightly. He sits as he always does, upright, but he is too quiet...

"Should that internal lantern be glowing like that?"

Penny relaxes slightly. Some things are still the same, then.

00000000

Sheldon had always hoped for proof of parallel dimensions. That it should come in the form of a doppelganger of his neighbour is just a cruel cosmic joke.

(Grammar, syntax and vocabulary are consistent with the Penny he knows. No good asking her to explain the technology or otherwise of her place of origin – his Penny can barely operate her computer, after all. She is far too violent to be an Eloi, and her appearance suggests a more physical lifestyle, her dress indicates a quasi-Classical or medieval environment, but somehow, he doesn't think she comes from either future or past.)

He is still bewildered as to the sequence of events. Plainly, there has been some kind of space-time anomaly at the JPL (and he missed it, a lifetime's worth of planning and protocols wasted, dammit) and those incompetents, instead of documenting events, thought only of escape.

(Relief, too, that this was not Penny seeking some form of cosplay coitus with Leonard, a bilious thought.)

Penny...Penelope seems quite as bewildered.

"It's all kinda fuzzy, until you put this cold thingy on me." Winces, and shifts the coldpack. "Urgh, my head hurts."

Assuming identical biology is perhaps a dangerous move, but Sheldon supplies some aspirin. The way she trustingly takes them from him confuses him, after her initial attack, until he remembers her next action.

She had recognised, or thought she recognised, him.

"You seem to know _me_."

"You look just like Sheldor." She looks him up and down, grins. "Except I can never get him to wear anything but black. But big glowy holes are his sort of thing." She takes another incredulous look around her. "Whereas you...collect effigies of the goddess Ursa Mater?"

Sheldon eyes the Care Bears.

"This is _my_ Penny's apartment." He says, without thinking. His eyes go wide. "Oh, dear lord. She will no doubt be returning from work soon. Perhaps it would be best to move across the hall to my apartment."

For now, he can't think any further ahead than that. What does one do with a random barbarian woman?

"Okay." Penelope stretches, wincing. "Oooh, if either of those runty little bastards are involved this time, it's gonna be worse than a iron bar to the skull when we catch up to them. I hate being yanked through portals."

"This has happened before?" Sheldon is aghast.

She lifts a shoulder, unconcerned.

"I've been abducted once or twice, some hero who thinks he's gonna make a name for himself. Usually I beat the crap out of 'em before Sheldor arrives." A dazzling and familiar smile. "So don't get any ideas, mister."

Sheldon swallows hard.

00000000

Leonard fumbles for his keys, wonders what the heck is going on. That had been a really strange call from Penny.

Maybe she really doesn't remember what she was doing? Having Sheldon freaking out at her can't be helping. He supposes he better go see about putting that fire out, if he needs to take her to the E.R after all. After the last time, he doesn't suppose Penny would willingly get in a car with Sheldon driving, or that Sheldon would even attempt to drive her.

Priya hadn't been too happy about him turning tail, but Raj, half-satisfied that Leonard was as confused about events as he was, offered to mollify her.

"But I'll be over as soon as I find out how Howard is doing." He warns.

"Good idea." Leonard sighs. "If Sheldon's having one of his tantrums, you might have to divert him with the Dirty Sock Protocol again."

But it is a Penny in her waitress uniform who opens his own apartment door to him, and yanks him in by the elbow.

"Thank god you're here. Look, he's gone really...weird this evening. Even for, y'know, him."

"_He's_ gone weird? He wasn't the one... you've been at work all evening? And not, um, up at the JPL? Dressed in leath..." He tails off.

"You've both gone crazy." Penny throws up her hands. "I'm done. I brought him home, you deal with him now."

Leonard wonders where Sheldon got that outfit from. That looks like authentic hand-crafted plate mail. He has a moment of envy at the way the taller man gets the cape to billow behind him as he stalks across the room.

"Ah. You. I might have guessed."

"Ah, c'mon, I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have taken the cards..."

Then, Sheldon draws a sword. An actual, honest-to-God fricking sword.

And this is the point where it stops being funny, because this sword is not a pretty toy, or a stage prop. It is simply a very heavy, very sharp length of metal in the hand of someone who clearly wishes to use it in the singular purpose for which it was made.

"_You_ ripped open a transdimensional portal and took my Queen." Sheldon's face, Sheldon's voice, but Sheldon had never, ever actually looked like he might kill someone before. "If any harm has come to her, then should you believe in a hypothetical all-powerful personification of fate, constructed to uphold a system of social and ethical norms and stand as a source of moral authority, this might be a good time to request an intercession."

"Whu...?"

Leonard looks up the length of steel, into cold blue eyes that hold no mercy.

"Pray."

They joke about Sheldon being that one lab accident away, but it has always been a joke, because he's so ineffectual, a harmless buffoon. There is nothing remotely amusing now. Something has snapped in that gigantic brain, and he's bigger and stronger than the rest of them even without a damn sword, and oh god, has he had that stored in his closet along with his crossbow all this time?

Leonard's life is flashing before his eyes, and he wishes it was more interesting, or happier, and above all much, much longer...

"Sheldor!" It is a glad cry, and it makes everyone jump.

Penny sees herself, dressed in a leather mini-dress, and some killer boots. And a wide-eyed Sheldon, in his usual mismatched tees and khakis.

Sheldor takes two long strides across the room, and Penelope meets him halfway. She yanks his head down and attacks his mouth, his arm folds jerkily but determinedly around her, crushes her to him in a clash of armour.

Penny can feel her own toes curling just watching. Sheldon gives a small startled bleat. They meet each other's eyes, look away hastily, faces flaming.

Leonard's legs give way, and he sprawls onto the floor, blinking in utter disbelief.

"Am I the only one who doesn't know what the hell is going on here?" Penny demands.

"Yes." Sheldon supplies. "But the basic situation is obvious – we have doubles from another world."

"Yeah, I got that bit. They are making out in the middle of the fricking living-room." And that is just creepy to watch. "What did you do? How did this _happen_?"

"That, I have not yet ascertained. But Penelope entered our world somewhere in or near the JPL. Leonard brought her back earlier."

No wonder he was so odd on the phone. Leonard. Leonard and Raj and Howard, pulling some 'Weird Science' crap, and then leaving Sheldon to cope.

And, oh sweet Jesus, she just gave a ride home to a complete stranger. A scary, scary stranger armed with a sword.

But Sheldon – Sheldon is his usual t-shirt clad self, and not any crazier than he normally is. Something unclenches in her chest.


	3. Chapter 3

Penny is not panicking. Not at all. Two Sheldons. Right. _He_ may have been several miles away from whatever happened, but, let's face it, if any weird crap was gonna happen round here, it was always gonna involve the whackadoodle somehow. But how the hell did a double of _her_ end up in the situation, and kissing a version of Sheldon who is responding in a way that suggests hell yeah, _this_ one understands _all_ about 'coffee', thank you.

Seeing the two of them together in the same room, now, she can see the slight differences. Apart from, y'know, the armour and the big sword. She wonders a little wildly if this is what would happen if you crossed Ichabod Crane with the Headless Horseman. (Yeah, she'll watch pretty much anything with Johnny Depp in it.) He obviously spends some time outdoors, has a little more colour and muscle to him. But at a casual glance, you could put him in Sheldon's clothes, and... someone picking on Sheldon would get a real nasty surprise.

Sheldon himself seems to be more fascinated than freaked out. But then, he's probably been waiting his whole life for aliens or time-travel or some other freaky shit like this to go down. Sooner or later, he's gonna open his mouth and start being Sheldon-y about it. He's pretty much vibrating on the spot, ready to jump in and bust up the...she risks a look. No, the kiss has finally stopped.

Does she really look like that? The leather tunic-dress is more Balenciaga than biker-chick, armour as couture. And those gorgeous boots... She is abruptly aware of her cheap poly-cotton uniform, still with the ketchup stain on the blouse, and her shabby flats, and the fact she didn't have time to wash her hair this morning. Man, this sucks. If she was gonna meet a version of herself, she'd like to feel like she matched up. No wonder Other Sheldon didn't think she looked like a Queen.

00000000

Sheldor pulls back reluctantly.

"Penelope, the shape-shifter protocol..."

She licks her lips, and grins.

"Well, I'm fairly sure you're you." Rolls her eyes. "Oh, okay." Leans up and whispers in his ear, "You still own a plushie shoggoth called Mr Flibble that you got when you were three."

Sheldor relaxes. It is always prudent to check that the delightful woman in your arms is the one you started out with; Taru has never quite recovered from that shape-shifting bug-lady.

"When you failed to return from your ride, I became a little anxious." (Sheldor-speak for 'caused wide-spread fear and panic within a five mile radius.') "What do you remember?"

"Big swirly light, magic go boom. Then I woke up, and freaked out Penny's Sheldon." Frowns. "I know I hit my head when I landed. There were some voices, and a little metal box?..."

"Presumably the chariot in which you were conveyed back here." His long, gentle fingers run across her skull, her shoulders. He tells himself sternly that it is purely to check for damage, and not because for a sick abyss of time, he had been consumed by the fear that he would never be able to touch her again. "They didn't get a healer for you?"

"Sheldon gave me some healing pills." She pouts prettily at him. "But I'll let you check me for bruises."

"Ah. Yes. Sheldon." He turns.

"Sheldor."

They regard each other with more interest than hostility, two tall thin men with smooth dark hair and serious faces.

"You had no knowledge of this event."

"Absolutely none." There is clear frustration. "I would certainly like to know how it occurred."

They turn with an eerie synchronicity to look at Leonard.

Who is earnestly and determinedly crawling for the door.

Leonard has been wondering if he can escape. Maybe phone his mother to see about getting some more therapy. Or get out of town before some psychotic version of himself shows up and does a Jack Nicholson on the front door.

Sheldon is quick. Sheldor is quicker. A wave of his hand, and the door closes itself. Leonard faints.

00000000

It is difficult for a scientist to scoff at magic when it is clearly being used in front of him. That his counterpart is from a pseudo-medieval realm rather than a slick futuristic utopia ceased to be important to Sheldon the moment he used the Force. Penny just chalks it up to the increasing weirdness of her day.

"So, they've got swords and spells, and we've got computers and science-y stuff?"

"A vastly simplified analysis, but it would seem so. Of course, just as Clarke's Third Law states that 'any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic', this offers up the corollary of Niven's Law, 'Any sufficiently rigorously defined magic is indistinguishable from technology.'"

"Wow, so when you told me that when you understood the laws of physics, anything was possible, you really meant it."

"Knowledge is indeed power."

They both have the same huffy little laugh, too.

"Shall we begin?" Sheldor asks, eyeing the whiteboard with narrow calculation.

"My thoughts exactly." Sheldon picks up two markers, and hands one over with the cool formality of a duellist.

Most of what Sheldon does looks like squiggles anyway to Penny, so she doesn't really see the difference between runes and scientific notation. But the two tall brainiacs are getting increasingly animated, communicating in half-sentences and scribbled symbols. Newton and Khut-Nah, Einstein and Klarkash-Ton, quarks and glyphs. Occasionally, one or other of them barks a question at Leonard.

Sheldor is explaining how he followed Penelope. Penny just hears a variation on 'blah, blah, science', but Sheldon is looking increasingly freaked out.

"You endangered the very fabric of space and time?" His voice is shrill.

"Well, of course I did. Wouldn't you?" Sheldor looks mildly surprised.

Penny tries to get her head around the idea that a version of her is the sort of woman a man is prepared to destroy worlds for. Sheldon... well, okay, she can imagine him destroying worlds, but mainly by accident.

"She's his Rose." She blurts, then bites her lip. But liking 'Doctor Who' is _allowed_, it was practically cool to fancy David Tennant. Both heads swing round in concert, identical raised eyebrows.

"Poetic, but irrelevant."

"A surprisingly apt analogy from one of our popular culture entertainments, in fact..."

Sheldon actually starts explaining. Sheldor looks quite alarmingly interested by the concept of the Tardis. They spiral off into another round of scribbling and muttering, only now words like 'Dalek' have crept in there, too.

Penny sees the look of fond exasperation on Penelope's face, unaware that her own expression is almost identical.

"I think they're gonna be a while."

Penny wants to bail on the whole thing, hide under her quilt until all the crazy goes away. (Like that ever stops it knocking on her door, usually three times in succession.) Leonard is looking at her in mute appeal, but he left her, or what he thought was her, with Sheldon, so she's not feeling much sympathy there.

"Look, I've had a really long and increasingly weird day, and I just want to wash the smell of burgers off me. I'm gonna go shower, change and call out for pizza." (They still deliver to _her_.)

Two identical frowns. Two identical complaints.

"The food of this dimension..."

"Honey, if he can eat it, I think you can eat it." Penelope interrupts. A look of worry. "Unless it's something gross with tentacles or something."

"Sheldon doesn't like Greek food. Um, baked dough base, tomato and cheese on it, sausage, mushroom, light olives?"

"He'll eat it." Penelope says, firmly. Looks a little wistful. "Um, could I come wash up, too?"

"Uh, sure."

They smile tentatively at each other. Sheldon hovers, on the verge of catching Penny's elbow, holds a $20 out.

"Do not give her any of your noxious cocktails." He hisses.

"Hey, what do you think I am?"

"The woman who has an unfortunate relationship with alcohol." He looks at her, face pinched. "Also, you have been responsible for both Beverley Hofstadter and Amy Farrah Fowler kissing me whilst under the influence."

"Sweetie, she's _me_. And _I've_ never kissed you whilst 'under the influence'."

And crap, now she's looking at his mouth as he answers.

"She has also recently had a blow to the head and been subjected to interdimensional travel."

She has seen this mouth on hers, just as eager. It's a hard image to banish, seeing herself kissing a Sheldon who doesn't look blank, or flinch away. She feels rather like she's had a blow to the head, herself.

"I get it, sweetie. No booze."

Yeah, her first instinct is to take the edge off it all with a glass of something, and that scares her a little. So, she's good friends with Jack, Jim and Jose, but they've always been the guys who don't up and leave.

00000000

This is the sight that greets Howard and Raj when they open the door.

A slew of whiteboards set up, surrounding a chair. In the chair, looking appropriately traumatized, Leonard. And moving between the white-boards, firing off questions at each other and their victim...

They both skid to a halt, and Raj makes a small, terrified noise in the back of his throat. Howard speaks for them both.

"Ohdeargodthere's_two_ofthem."

"Ah, of course. The rest of the minions. Join us, gentlemen."

It isn't a request.


	4. Chapter 4

a/n – 'delightfully warpo' – I like that as a descriptor. Thank you :)

.

.

Sheldor folds his arms, and raises a sceptical eyebrow.

"You accidentally opened a doorway between realities, and you have absolutely no idea how you accomplished this feat?" He sighs. "Yes, well, I suppose I should have expected that. Your counterparts have the same regrettable tendency to invoke first, think later."

He's produced one of those neat Indiana Jones-style coathangers for his cloak (though they get the impression he probably _could_ kill people with it) and with the sleeves of his undertunic pushed up, the resemblance to their Sheldon is even stronger. All the intellect and ego of the Sheldon they know, but infinitely more scary. This is not some emotionally stunted man-child, fuelled by petty indignation. This is a ruthless, pragmatic man, and while the immediate threat of having something chopped off has receded, none of them doubt that bodily harm is still very much an option.

In every mind, the rock solid conviction that if they had tried the can-opener stunt on this guy, no-one would have ever found the bodies.

00000000

When Raj and Howard had stumbled into 4A, their confusion had rapidly become panic...

"Dude, there's two Sheldons. Why are there two Sheldons?"

"And why is one dressed like he escaped from Mordor?"

"He's got a really big sword and he can do actual magic and I am not joking about this, do not piss him off because our Sheldon is the calm and reasonable one." Leonard explains, in a rapid undertone. "The Penny we found wasn't Penny, she's _his_ Penny. He thinks we did something with a bunch of magic playing-cards to bring her here, and he's really not happy about it."

"There's two Pennys as well?"

"Oh, yeah." Leonard tries to forget the sight of the Sheldor/Penelope reunion. "They're ordering in the pizza."

"Oh, good, that makes everything better. For a minute there, I thought we'd all gone GODDAMN _CRAZY_!" Howard's voice begins to escalate. Two sets of cold blue eyes swivel in his direction and his jaw snaps shut.

The Sheldon in the 'Green Lantern' tee peers back between two boards.

"Hmm, a definite correlation between the Veh field calculations..."

"Really? That would make sense in terms of the denial of waveform collapse, of course. If you could map across the responses, I shall ask a few pertinent questions." The black-clad one says.

"Certainly." Their Sheldon turns a baleful blue gaze on them. "But if you are going to threaten them with that sword, could I ask that you put some plastic sheeting down first?"

"Of course. I could kill them first and ask questions later. But necromancy is a sloppy business, and I think we are all reasonable people here."

They both do that weird breathy laugh. And then Mirror-Sheldon closes the door behind them with a snap of his fingers. And _smiles._

A very, very urgent desire to be considered reasonable people descends abruptly upon the three other men.

00000000

"...Don't get me started on heroes – they just want sex and someone to tell them they're wonderful." Penelope waves her borrowed hairbrush. "Never any idea that you might want to get in on some of the pillaging, too. Just 'pour me an ale, babe, and lemme tell you about my day.' Pfffft. Big muscles, a fast horse and you're supposed to ignore them eyeing up every nubile serving-wench in the tavern?"

Penny nods.

"Yeah, it's all about them all the time, isn't it? I guess guys are the same in any world. Well, most of them."

(Penelope had taken one alarmed look at Leonard.

"This isn't another place with those stunted jerks in charge, is it? Where they get to play out their little entitlement fantasies?")

She has to ask.

"What's Leonard's double like?"

"Oh. Oh, dear. Well, in our world, his double is," she wrinkles her nose, "well, he's kinda sweet, I suppose, but that's about it."

(Penny had looked back as they left - Leonard had looked particularly small and bedraggled between the two tall men rapping out their questions.

"Is it safe to leave him with, uh, them?"

But Penelope had just laughed.

"Sweetie, Sheldor's the reasonable one. I get kinda excited and hit people. And they don't answer his questions fast enough with a bust up jaw.")

Sheldon's double appears to be some kind of cross between Darth Vader and Sauron, which is both terrifying and somehow unsurprising. And her double - is how Penny would like to be. Tanned and toned and glowing.

Okay, when it comes to 'external validation', having a guy who will tear through reality itself for you ranks right up there.

"You're a Queen in your world?"

"Yep."

"So your father is like a King or something?"

"Oh, no, he's a minor chieftain back home in the clan. But I got kinda bored with the idea of sticking around on the Northern Plains, nothing to do but quaff ale and wait for the warriors to come home from hunting, so I decided to head south, make it in the Sacred Forest." She looks wistful. "I was gonna be a big priestess, you know, have my own temple, a whole bunch of worshippers."

"What happened?"

"Competition is fierce, even making minor acolyte is tough. So I took on a little venturing to make ends meet. And then I took this job from some king, to go kill this Dark Lord." She shrugs. "We went back and killed the King, though, and so I sorta ended up with that throne. Only 'cos we'd burnt the palace down, I needed a place to live, and the Dark Keep is huge, and, well," Penelope blushes, "I kinda liked Sheldor anyway."

"He is, um, impressive." Penny admits. Because he might look like Sheldon, but he's got bad-boy arrogance all over... "...did you say killed?"

"Chopped his head off. That usually does the trick." A sunny grin, that suddenly clouds over. "Shoot, I dropped my axe someplace, too."

Somehow, Penny doesn't think that she's talking about cologne. (Even if Howard does tend to use it as an offensive weapon.)

"...Elves are the best shoe-makers, of course. Dwarves are okay for armour, but they gouge you on the prices. Having your own Balrog round the place really keeps the overheads down on weapon maintenance. Like, totally fire-proof."

"Yeah, I can see how that would be handy." Penny says, a bit weakly. The buzzer goes. "Oh, good, there's the pizza."

00000000

Sheldon has very reluctantly produced and opened his other Spellcaster's Expansion Pack. ("Of course I own two. One pack to play with, one to accrue value as a mint condition collectible.") Twenty one cards, each hand-drawn, the work of an obscure comic book artist from Venice Beach identified only as 'Torchy', they are strange, intricate little pieces of art.

Penny twists her head to look at one. No touching, not with pizza grease on her fingers. Of course.

"There are only nine of these cards which could have any possible significance in one very particular combination, and there would need to be other factors operating, none of which seem to apply. In conclusion, I believe you simply triggered the remnants of a much earlier and incomplete summoning, of some kind..."

(It is perhaps fortunate that none of them know of the Babalon Working. To 'manifest the incarnation of the archetypical divine feminine' would be okay, but 'she is the Scarlet Woman, riding a great beast'...no. Penny might turn to the bottle when someone calls her a slut, but Penelope would promptly glass you with it. And Sheldor is the type to take 'protective boyfriend' to extreme levels.)

"...I think any latent power was consumed in the rift establishment, but I wished to be satisfied that nobody else could duplicate the event."

"There are maybe half a dozen people in the world who come close to being as smart as Sheldon, and I seriously doubt that any of them play 'Mystic Warlords of Ka'a'."

"And none of them own the Spellcaster's Expansion Pack." Sheldon adds. "There are only twenty in existence. Nineteen, now, and you owe me $200, Leonard. Plus an apology for stealing my possessions. Also, I think you are being kind with your estimate of half a dozen. I would admit to four."

"So, really, you three are the only people who have any idea how you opened a gateway to our world?" Penelope asks.

"Forgotten it already." Howard is very quick on the uptake when his health is in question. "No idea what cards were played. In what order. Not a clue."

Raj can't decide whether to nod or shake his head frantically, and twitches madly.

Penny's great-uncle Jimmy had brought back a little souvenir from his time in military service. Three generations of kids had chucked it around without incident, and it had been sat quietly in the den for years, until one day, the shelf gave way. He'd come home to find the side of the house all down the street. It sounds like, somehow, the guys have done the equivalent.

Leonard had sneered at her belief in psychics. And now he goes and does this. Hah, karma.


	5. Chapter 5

"So this whole thing was just an accident?" Penelope eyes the trio narrowly. Like Sheldor, she had shown only a brief flicker of surprise when confronted with Raj and Howard.

"I believe so." Lowers his voice. "You know what ours are like for fiddling and fumbling. I think the parallels are a little more than skin-deep."

"Oh, good." Shows her teeth at Leonard, in something a little too feral to be a smile. "I'd hate to think anyone was thinking of trying to start a collection."

"I have a girlfriend..." Leonard squeaks.

"Given the regrettable history of your counterpart in my own world, I have to ask, is she the sworn servant of an evil and oppressive power that feeds upon blood and souls?" Sheldor asks.

"She's a lawyer."

Sheldor's expression doesn't change.

"Well, quite."

"We had lawyers turn up once." Penelope confides to Penny. "But Sheldor dealt with them."

(The triumvirate of evil entities had ended up as, respectively, a wolfskin cloak, a sheepskin rug and a pair of decorative antlers.)

00000000

Raj, Howard and Leonard are eating their pizza over by the kitchen island.

"So, somewhere there's a world where we are hard-core badass barbarians? That is so cool." Howard jigs ecstatically.

"I don't think it works quite like that." Leonard darts an uneasy look.

"C'mon, if that's _Sheldon's_ alter, then we must totally rock."

Raj and Howard had not been subjected to anything more than verbal interrogation, after all. They are now under the impression that the danger has passed, and that they can relax. Native optimism is surfacing.

They look across the room. Sheldor is sitting in the arm-chair, fingers steepled beneath his chin.

"All he needs is a fluffy white cat."

"Dude, he's already dating Catwoman."

Their eyes go to Penelope. She has draped herself on the arm of the chair, and is licking tomato sauce off her fingers.

She'd abruptly produced a wickedly sharp knife from _somewhere _in that armour with which to cut the pizza. Sheldon hadn't even blinked, merely offered her an antiseptic wipe for the blade.

"It's a good thing we didn't get Chinese." Howard twitches. "I don't wanna know what she'd do with chop-sticks."

"You'd die happy, though." Raj says, dreamily.

"I still don't understand how this could happen." Leonard is plaintive.

"Esoteric quantum calculations used as an inaccurate analogy for magic, enabling a cross-dimensional transition, in defiance of actual known physical laws, but providing a pleasing narrative outcome?"

"I think he means any version of Sheldon getting a smoking hot babe."

00000000

What the speakers have all forgotten is that Sheldor has exactly the same hearing as their Sheldon.

"Sheldor, honey, are you okay? You've got your brooding gonna-go-terrorize-a-village face on."

"It seems that in this world, my double is considered socially dysfunctional." He frowns. "There seems to be some kind of arrested emotional development, or even regression."

"Hey, but at least you're still smart. I think _she_ slept with the one called Leonard."

She shudders slightly, and Sheldor pats her knee.

"There, there. Alcohol was involved, I suspect. They appear to use it as a decision-making tool."

Penelope, who had once woken up on a pirate ship, nods dolefully.

"Yeah, like _that_ ever ends well." (That had been a long swim back to shore, and she'd had to leave her favourite knife behind. In the captain.) She rubs her arms. "I don't like the way he keeps looking at me, though."

"The math suggests that somewhere there could be a world where he is not a whiny, priapic homunculus. Unfortunately, it does not seem to be this one." He looks up at her. "I can put his eyes in a jar, if he's making you uncomfortable, my love."

"You are sweet." She smiles down at him. "Maybe I'll hurt him just a little bit before we go."

00000000

Penny hovers mid-way between couch and kitchen, nibbling her own slice of pizza. Her appetite has gone. She has found herself being ignored in favour of other women before. But being ignored in favour of _herself_ is just surreal.

She kinda gets it, though.

The woman has carved out a career - uh, bad word choice, her brain keeps going back to that chirpy revelation about axes – has a kingdom, and her own private army, and _she_ was born in a tent. She's fierce and terrible, and if she knows about fear, it's only because she causes it in others.

But Penny _recognises_ her. That's the worst part. That feisty confidence, the cheerful enthusiasm, all that sass and swagger and the way of demanding that the world sit up... Oh, sure, she never hacked off anyone's head, but once, that had been _her_ smile. Before her dreams started to crumble away in a spiral of debt and disappointment. She'd been strong and sexy and hopeful.

She was gonna conquer Hollywood, be rich and famous and glamorous, not end up stuck in a walk-up apartment, living on credit cards and her neighbours' take-out.

She wonders what Sheldon sees when he looks at his double. Sure, Sheldon can be arrogant, but she hadn't thought he could ever be ruthless. Take away the bright clothes and the, well, the innocence, though, and there is the same hard, sharp confidence when they talk about their work.

...Man, when you think the guy in the armour who can throw fireballs is the more normal one of the two, there's a problem.

00000000

Leonard can't help but make comparisons. There's Penelope, prowling about the apartment, all golden and vibrant, glowing with health and happiness and an easy cheerful sensuality. Beside her, Penny, the original Penny, looks pale and washed-out. She's let herself go a bit, lately. And she seems snappish much of the time, too.

(Leonard has never worked in the service industry – keeping a smile on your face as someone debates changing their order yet _again_, long hours of people treating you as just a little less than human, and expecting you to be perky about it, the tired feet and crappy pay. )

"Isn't this exciting?"

Leonard looks up at Sheldon, who has a small pleased smile on his face, as he refills his plate.

"You're_ enjoying_ this?"

"Yes. Yes, I am. Physical proof of a parallel dimension, and the opportunity to finally meet a truly equal intellect. Surely the spirit of scientific enquiry motivates you, also?"

"Not as much as the desire to keep breathing."

"Leonard, don't be hysterical."

"A homicidal duplicate of my room-mate threatened to kill me, okay, I think I'm allowed."

"You created a rift incursion into his dimension of origin, and abducted his companion. I can understand that he might have been somewhat aggrieved."

"Aggrieved..." Leonard glares at him. "Oh, yeah, you are definitely enjoying this. This is a chance for you to finally get your own back, isn't it? Watching stronger, better versions of you and Penny being cool and tough and superior at me?"

The unaccustomed jolt of emotion that hits Sheldon bewilders him. But he is human, and he does have feelings, loath as he is to admit to it. And somewhere there is a kernel of masculine outrage. This is after all his world, and his Penny, and he himself that are being insulted, and he feels it incumbent on him to respond.

"I would consider that you merely enabled the summoning of a 'different' Penny, rather than a 'better' one." He says, sharply, and his voice cuts through the suddenly quiet room.

Penny feels like she's been kicked in the gut. A 'better' version?

Well, what is she? The understudy, the deputy head cheerleader, the training wheels for the proper grown-up girlfriend. The girl who got taken out to the parking lot, but never home to meet the parents. Who gets offered soft-core porn, but can't land a pet food commercial. Even Sheldon, awkward, socially stunted, borderline human Sheldon, has a... well, even he's found someone to replace her with.

Penelope glares.

"So that _is_ what you were up to, you nasty little troll-turd. You made her miserable, so you thought you'd try and get another one to start over with?"

Leonard goes into another incoherent spiral of frantic denial and apology, as she advances towards him.

"Um, guys, I think you might want to look at the tv."

Surprisingly, it's Raj. Howard appears to be hyperventilating, and pointing madly. Sheldor, being nearest, looks along the quivering arm.

"...Oh." He says.

'Oh' does not sound good. They all look at him.

"It appears that you were not the only one summoned through the portal, my love." When Penelope narrows her eyes at him, he bites his lip and looks faintly guilty. "I'm sorry, I got a little distracted by the quite fascinating parallels that Sheldon and I have discovered. I did rather assume that she was still on _our_ side of the portal..."

"Oh, Sheldor." Penelope puts her hands on her hips. "She'll be so scared, poor thing. We'll have to find her."

00000000

Tranquillity doesn't like it here at all. It's all hard and stony, and far too loud, and it smells bad, and very few of the cans she's opened have had anything fun in them. Some of the squeaky two-legs have waved sticks at her, and hit her with stings. Above all, she's lost her Lady.

She spreads her wings, raises her head, and expresses her displeasure. Loudly.


	6. Chapter 6

Leonard takes off his glasses, and rubs his fists in his eyes. Howard is clutching the sides of his head. Raj has both hands clapped over his mouth, though that's a bit redundant with both Penny and Penelope in the room.

On the screen, the local news channel continues to burble.

"_...clever hoax, or viral marketing for another 'Cloverfield'?..."_

And a very shaky amateur video plays on, of a dragon disembowelling a hotdog stand.

It's most definitely a dragon. It's quite a pretty dragon, being various shades of copper, with a long, delicate snout and gold eyes. But it is also the size of a small truck, and nothing on this Earth has those great ribbed wings, or that inbuilt ability to roast the wieners.

"Well, I guess we know what happened to the lab." Leonard says, numbly.

The creature backs up, spraying half-chewed buns everywhere, and stares at the camera. They rather hope the red smears round those jaws are from the vat of ketchup.

"Oh, Tranquillity." Penelope's tone is exasperated indulgence. "Junk food gives her such terrible wind."

"You call that thing _Tranquillity_?" Howard chokes.

"Well, she was so tiny and quiet when she came out of the egg. She was the runt of the litter, but Dad said I could keep her if I could get her to feed. Took me all night and two buckets of bull's blood, too."

"What do you feed her on now?" Leonard has to ask, horrified fascination. His voice squeaks.

"Cows, mainly. Though she's really rather naughty about eating Sheldor's fish. And she does get the odd warrior, but only as a treat."

They've summoned up a flying, fire-breathing, people-eating monster, which has trashed a government-funded facility and is now loose in the city somewhere.

"No-one can blame us for this. Nobody would believe us." Howard moans, rocking and biting his fingers. Raj gives a squeak that only bats could hear, and bolts for the bathroom.

On screen, Tranquillity makes a noise like somebody chainsawing a camel, and launches herself into the air, and the video ends abruptly as the camera person scrambles to avoid a short, sharp shower of sauerkraut.

"If she flies into local airspace..." Leonard doesn't need to finish.

Penelope clutches Sheldor's sleeve, eyes wide.

"We have to find her."

"If only I had my scrying crystal..." Sheldor frets.

Penny happens to be looking at Sheldon, so she _sees_ the moment his brain kicks into gear. It really is like watching a light go on. He goes absolutely still for a moment, and then his chin goes up, jaw set and eyes ablaze. He turns abruptly to the gibbering engineer.

"Howard, you once used a defence satellite to spy on a houseful of supermodels. Surely finding Tranquillity should present no difficulty?"

"Right now, I couldn't find tranquillity with a handful of Xanax." Howard wails. But he sits obediently in the indicated chair. The pointing finger swings around, pins the returning Raj, who freezes in terror.

"Raj, you have an unparalleled enthusiasm for streaming video on the internet. I'm sure that that segment has been uploaded by now. Find it, and any more like it, and identify any landmarks in the background..."

Sheldon himself disappears into the closet, reappears with his radio handsets.

"...And I shall monitor the police bands. That should give us a start on our search area."

The Touchscreen of Terror is deployed next, to display a large-scale local map. Sheldor is fascinated by that, watching the little flags as Sheldon plants them, plots a timeline.

"What is Tranquillity's most likely course of action?"

"If she's stuffed herself, she'll find somewhere to sleep it off." Penelope says. "She's a prairie dragon, so she goes for caves, not crags..."

00000000

Unfortunately, while Sheldon is simultaneously co-ordinating the search and explaining the technology, it leaves Leonard and Penny free to talk. Or fight.

"You called her a better version of me, Leonard."

"That's...I... she's stronger, I said stronger." Leonard decides to go on the offensive. "And how could you not notice that _he _wasn't Sheldon?"

"Uh, because he looks just like him?"

"Seriously? He's a black-leather wearing, sword-toting full-on psychopath."

And until he'd pulled that pigsticker on Leonard, she'd been scared for him, rather than of him. Even now, he hasn't threatened her or harmed her in any way. She wonders if that's because he's basically Sheldon, and Sheldon would never hurt her physically. (And even his hurtful comments are usually due to his utter lack of people skills.) Sheldon being bossy and domineering and downright snarky sounds just like that. And she hadn't even raised an eyebrow at the outfit, because when you've chased your over-caffeinated neighbour in a 'Flash' costume down the street...yeah, well. The only thing that separates Sheldor and Sheldon is the fact that Sheldor seems a bit more...physical in his approach to the world. (God, that kiss...)

But if she wants to believe that she could kick ass and take names in whatever batshit crazy world they come from, then she has to accept the fact that Sheldon has that potential, too. That somewhere under the layered tees and general weirdness, there's an actual man.

Huh. Maybe this is what would have happened if that death-ray had worked.

She narrows her eyes at Leonard.

"You called him a better version, too. Is that what you think?"

"Well, look at him. Can you really imagine Sheldon being all manly and...take-charge and," his eyes drift across the room to where Penny is looking, "...oh, _crap_."

"Yeah." Penny curls her lip at him. "So, you wanna start this over again? Just exactly what did you mean?"

He squirms. And suddenly, she really doesn't want to hear him say it.

"Hah!" Sheldon straightens up. "Given the point of origin, the probable location of the hotdog cart, and the various vehicular vandalism reported, I believe that she is somewhere in the lower Arroyo Seco. Without satellite confirmation, I can't be more definite than that."

"I told you, I can't get a fix, there's not enough light, and the thermal readings aren't sufficient..."

"Well, if they were, it would be because she'd set fire to the surrounding landscape, and I don't think that would be an optimal situation."

"Erk." Howard subsides.

"So," Sheldon continues, "I suggest we park at the Rosebowl and work our way up."

"I'll get my keys." Penny says.

"Leonard or Raj have more reliable vehicles..."

Penny grabs his elbow, steers him away from the group for a moment.

"Sheldon, that's a woman _with my face_ who has been talking about chopping people's heads off."

"Clearly they come from a far more violent environment than our own."

"Which is why I'm not letting her go off anywhere without me. They're us, and if they stab someone or turn them into a frog or do whatever, when they go back to their world, we'll still be here, and we'll get the blame, and I don't think either of us would do so well in prison."

Sheldon can't fault the logic.

"I had not considered that aspect. Very well, the four of us will fit quite adequately in your vehicle. Though a second vehicle would help us cover more ground."

Raj studies his feet intently. Howard stares at the ceiling. Leonard screws his face up.

"Can't we let, uh, the National Guard or, uh, Animal Control take care of it?"

"Tranquillity is not an 'it'." Penelope spits. "I raised her from an egg, and if anyone harms a scale on her head, I'm coming back and taking it out of your pasty little hides."

Penny sighs.

"Look, I don't wanna wake up tomorrow and find the entire Angeles National Forest in flames or hear that she's eaten a busload of pre-schoolers, okay? But you brought her here..."

"By accident!"

"...and she's lost and probably really scared, so we can't just leave her out there. You guys caused this mess. Are you really just gonna bail?"

"Look," Howard is pale, but determined, "I'm sorry, but it's one thing driving down to San Diego to go _mano a mano_ with a fellow nerd, quite another to go hunting mythological killing machines. I wanna get married to Bernadette, not end up as a crispy critter." Raj whispers frantically. "And Raj says he's absolutely not ready for reincarnation just yet."

Leonard shifts awkwardly, scrubs his hand through his hair.

"Penny, what could we do? Honestly. I mean, they know what they're doing, and that's a very large wild animal we're talking about..."

He has a point, and they both know it, but he doesn't need to be so...relieved about it. She cuts him off.

"Fine, whatever. You know what, you're right, we don't need you along." She blinks. "I don't need you."

The little switch comes on. She doesn't need him. She might have wanted him... or some idea of him - there's a whole shifting of tenses and perceptions going on in her head – but she doesn't need him. And she's not gonna forget 'better version' in a hurry.

"Now, I'm gonna change my boots, and then I'm going out to find that dragon."

00000000

Digging through her closet, she tries to rationalise it. Sane, sensible people don't go heading out into the night to chase down dangerous creatures, they let the authorities handle it.

But 'sane' and 'sensible' have never really been two words that go with 'Sheldon', and she knows that she would have had to go anyway, because someone needs to be there to stop him doing something crazy. And Leonard clearly isn't up to this.

And yeah, that might be a heavily-armoured killing machine, but it is also someone's pet, lost a long way from home, and Penny has always had a soft spot for animals.

She meets her own astonished eyes in the mirror as she finishes braiding back her hair. So maybe she isn't particularly sane and sensible, either. This evening has been one long freaky trip, but she's _so_ over feeling scared and confused and not in control.

Heck, so her double is an ass-kicking warrior queen who rides a goddam dragon. Penny decides that okay, she can live with that.

00000000

She's always known that Sheldon had the crazy part of crazy-prepared down, but she's still impressed by what he produces out of that closet. He's busily fitting things into what looks like the kind of survival kit owned by people who wear tin-foil hats and think the mailman is spying on them. In fact, Sheldon, now in his dark sweater, and what looks like a genuine flak jacket, and wearing the combat boots he wears for paintball, really doesn't look so different from Sheldor at all. Now he's got a mission, he's tightly wound and focussed.

"He's actually got a protocol for this, hasn't he?" Howard murmurs. "In case of Godzilla, break glass."

"Sheldon's got a protocol for everything. I just never thought we'd see any of them in action."

"Dude, are they really going to go out hunting a dragon?"

"Well, they've got Sheldon along as a virgin sacrifice." Howard cracks. They all snigger quietly.

Sheldor spares them a weary glance.

"They really are quite tiresomely single-minded, aren't they?"

"I'm afraid so." Sheldon has a dull flush to his face. He is indifferent to what they perceive as an insult, but in some obscure way, he feels that they are insulting his double as well, and that offends his sense of hospitality.

"I'm sure that they find the endless preoccupation with each other's achievement of coitus terribly amusing, but the humour rather escapes me." There's distaste, and a touch of pity in Sheldor's tone. "I marvel at your patience, living with it. If I wanted to be subjected to a mere parade of drinking, flatulence and mindless sexual congress, I would have to go down to the orc-pits."

"Oh, that's hardly fair, Sheldor." Penelope protests. "The Horde can be quite creative, too. Gogmoth has taught several of them to read, now they've got past eating the books. And some of the orklings even made me a necklace."

The necklace had been made from severed ears, but it was the thought that counted. (It was probably best not to ask about the finger-paintings.)

"True." Sheldor concedes the point. "And they do at least seem to have some ambitions beyond copulation and humiliating each other in a display of social dominance."

A small spark of defiance fires in Leonard.

"Hey, what right have you got to march in and judge us?"

"Right?" Sheldor raises an eyebrow. "I am only here because you and your colleagues tore a hole through entire worlds. And there are far worse things than me that could have taken notice. I merely despair of you as human beings. Something else might have decided to wear your ribs as a hat."

The spark dies under that chilly glare. Leonard doesn't want to know what could be worse than these hard, dangerous, terrifying incarnations, and their monstrous pet.

Penelope smiles, bright and sharp.

"We could still take 'em along as bait?"

And Penny smiles, too, all her angry disappointment in it.

"They'd probably give the poor thing tummy-ache."

Leonard looks at the four of them, the two tall men, the two blonde women, all dark clothes and firm purpose and cool, judging eyes.

Okay, yeah, that could be worse.


	7. Chapter 7

"You're really going to do this?" Leonard asks plaintively.

"Somebody has to." Penny looks at him. She still has a small hope that he will step up, man up. "She's lost and in a strange place and she'll be missing her owner."

"You're not exactly getting a cat down from a tree here." Leonard snaps. "You're really going to head out into the night, with a couple of, of _violent_ _strangers_, and _Sheldon_, to hunt down a huge, armoured, fire-breathing monster?"

"We're a rescue mission, not a hunting party." Sheldon corrects him. "That's why I have not packed my crossbow."

Four pairs of eyes go wide.

"Your _what_?" Howard squeaks.

"It's quieter than a conventional side-arm."

"Yeah, because if you shoot a zombie, you don't want all the others heading for the noise, right?" Penny manages. She can't even force sarcasm into her tone. Sheldon beams at her.

"Absolutely."

"Works even better if you light the arrows on fire first." Penelope adds.

"Well, there's no use shooting a zombie _without_ a flaming arrow, my love." Sheldor tuts.

"Just because you can fwoosh 'em..." Penelope sticks her tongue out.

"Besides, my concealed carry permit is not valid in this state." Sheldon continues. "Of course, in the event of a total breakdown of law and order, that would no longer be a concern, and I would waste no time in laying my hands upon whatever small arms and ammunition I could."

Somehow, this doesn't strike his listeners as being as ridiculous as it would have done a few hours earlier. In fact, Sheldon himself doesn't seem quite so ridiculous.

Sheldor pops a levitation charm on the kit-bag, and he and Penelope steer it out of the door. Penny sighs.

"Okay, now _that_ trick would be sooo handy for the sales."

Sheldon looks a bit sulky.

"But I haven't completed my outline for the mission yet."

Penny puts a hand between his shoulders, and steers him towards the door.

"Brief us in the car, honey." Shoots one last disappointed glare at Leonard. "You're in charge."

00000000

"Well, if the dragon eats him, _you_ get to tell his mother!" Leonard shouts down the stairs after them, storms back into 4A, slamming the door, and throwing himself onto the couch.

There is an uncomfortable silence, as they all look everywhere but at each other. Leonard breaks first.

"Do you think we should have gone with them?"

"Why?" Howard squints at him. "What are you trying to prove? That you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup? Or are you still trying to impress Penny? Because I think you failed that one with the whole 'HotBlonde Version 2.0' thing."

"She knows I didn't mean it that way..." Leonard mutters.

"Uh-huh. Sure you didn't. Because comparing your ex-girlfriend unfavourably to a sexy leather-clad version of herself is always a winner."

"I meant _him_."

"Oh. Yeah, okay, _he_ was totally terrifying."

"Which one? The scary one who threatened to carve you like a brisket, or the scary one who has been keeping weaponry in his closet?" Raj is still wide-eyed over the crossbow revelation.

"His father taught him to shoot. He's apparently very good."

"Oh, that makes me feel a whole lot better. At least we can be assured that when he goes completely postal, he'll be accurate when he places a shot." Howard throws his hands up.

"Well, you were quick enough to jump when he yelled 'frog'."

"Hey, I don't like the idea that some freaking great monster is loose out there, and the sooner they catch up to it, and put it back on a leash, or whatever, the better. Our Sheldon may be crazy, but we never thought he wasn't smart."

00000000

Up at the JPL, the scene is lit by emergency lighting, powerful lamps and hand-held torches, as government investigators comb through the wreckage, searching for clues as to what caused the power surge, and subsequent damage to the building.

Special Agent Page has been here before, under different circumstances. She's not terribly pleased to be back, but at least those odd creepy little guys (and the equally odd, but decidedly less creepy, tall one) aren't around this time. She swings her torch, as something catches her eye. She reaches carefully into the pile of twisted metal, grasps it, and gently eases it free.

It is a beautiful, savage thing, the haft ending in a vicious point, the grip bound with fine leather, the blade an oddly-sweeping shape of exquisitely tempered steel, perfectly balanced, finely honed.

"Found another one." She says, resignedly.

"Put it with the rest." Special Agent Jones shakes his head. "Pfft. Geeks. The money they must spend on all this Trekkie crap..."

Page hefts it thoughtfully.

"This is rather pretty, actually."

Jones grins.

"Suits you."

"Feels kinda fun." She sweeps it through the air a few times. "But it doesn't belong to me. Guess I'll stick with my SIG."

And she stacks Penelope's war-axe, veteran of many battles, with the half a dozen lightsabers, three bat'leths, and an ever- growing pile of NERF-dom.

00000000

"I just don't think I'm meant to be a hero."

Howard snorts.

"At the moment, you're not even a sidekick."

"Well, I didn't see either of you rushing to help."

"We're the comic relief. I'm the token amusing ethnic stereotype, and Howard is the wisecracking jerkass." Raj says. "Our amusing banter and ersatz homosexual relationship assures us a continued presence in the narrative, only threatened by his recent romantic upgrade to half of the beta couple. Hence my decision to reposition myself as a commentator upon events, due to my silent observation of them as a cultural outsider."

"You let him watch 'Community' again, didn't you?" Leonard says, accusingly.

"It was either that, or repeats of 'Friends'." Howard snaps. "And there's only so many times you can watch a bunch of late twenty-somethings run in and out of each other's apartments and over-dramatize their cliched love-lives before it gets dull. Besides, that monkey creeps me out."

00000000

"Looks like some massive power surge took out the electronics. Still doesn't explain the wholesale destruction in here. Or that wall." Page looks at the last blurry still from before the security cameras fried. "What the hell were these idiots doing?"

"Wolowitz is a walking sexual harassment charge, and Koothrappali downloads some freaky porn. They probably tried to watch some kinky crap on work-time, and tripped something. I don't think these guys are exactly cunning deep cover operatives for a foreign power. Heck, I don't even think they're a threat to anyone, except maybe themselves."

"Doesn't mean they weren't used by someone else. Known associates?"

"We have a Dr Sheldon Cooper." Jones whistles. "This guy is _weird_. He's been considered for virtually every high-level hush-hush project going, and then washed out on the security clearance. But the worst thing we have him doing is some juvenile foam prank, and a couple of restraining orders - not remotely violent or threatening, just very, very annoying, apparently. One traffic offence, when he went through a red light, taking a friend to the E.R. His boss describes him as 'a total joke in every way, except for his work.' And did you see that YouTube clip?"

"The one where he's mooning the crowd? Oh, yeah. Cute tush." Off his look, "Hey, I'm married, not dead."

"I meant the one where he's having that girlie slap-fight with the guy who looks like a troll doll."

"That's Dr Leonard Hofstadter." She pulls a face. "He hit on me last time I interviewed him."

"Ah. Now _he_ interests me. There's a long and unhappy history of work-related mishaps around our Dr Hofstadter. That Mars Rover event, a failed NSF expedition that everyone seems reluctant to discuss. The elevator at his registered address suffered an unexplained and explosive malfunction at exactly the same time as he was working on a fuels project with one Joyce Kim, who turned out be a North Korean agent. And that was certainly his car caught on camera leaving the JPL in a hurry."

"Oh, crap." Page's shoulders sag. "Does that mean I've got to talk to him and that Wolowitz guy again?"

"'Fraid so."

"Maybe I _should've_ kept that pretty axe."

00000000

"Look, do you really think that Darth Cooper and his Battle Barbie will go back to whatever Phantom Zone they came from, and everything will go back to normal?"

"Why not?" Leonard challenges. "I say we go back to our lives, and pretend none of this ever happened. After all, there's no reason for anybody to connect us to that..._thing_."

"Well, if it eats Penny, I guess her father won't think you were such a catch after all."

00000000

Five minutes of shouting with Mrs Wolowitz through the front door, and they are satisfied that Howard is out with 'his little Indian friend'. That trail goes cold, too.

"Nobody home but a Miss Priya Koothrappali, who wasn't happy at being woken up, either – she claims that her brother and Dr Hofstadter did come in from visiting Mr Wolowitz at the JPL, but that Dr Hofstadter left again shortly afterwards, after receiving a mysterious phonecall that he didn't want to share with her. Dr Koothrappali left as well, announcing that he needed to catch up with Mr Wolowitz, despite the lateness of the hour."

"We'll try Hofstadter's place, and then I guess we issue a BOLO."

00000000

"_...spate of vandalism, which has seen several vehicles burnt out. The perpetrators appear to have attempted to violently dismantle many of the vehicles before setting fire to them...speculation that these events may be linked to an earlier disturbance at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory..."_

Raj jitters. Leonard attempts to be rational.

"It's okay. There's no reason for us to be connected with that, we weren't there officially..."

Howard glares.

"Oh, _now_ it all comes out. Rats leaving the sinking ship. After you stabbed Sheldon in the back, I shouldn't be surprised."

"Hey, you were there flicking that switch, too..."

Raj jumps as his cell-phone beeps. He looks at the screen, and picks up.

"Priya?...I..." The conversation at the other end is inaudible, but Raj's eyes go wide, and he actually goes a shade paler. Unfortunately, the conversation drops into rapid and agitated Hindi, which really doesn't help.

Howard grins nastily.

"Bet you'll be next to get it from the little woman..." He is cut off by his own phone. Slumps. "Hi, Ma...What? Slow down, you crazy old woman, they did what? When? What did you tell them?"

00000000

"At the time of the suspected explosion, Dr Cooper was haranguing an inhabitant on the third floor about allowing her pet dog to accompany her into the laundry room." Looks at the notes again. "She's known him since he moved in, and she says he's crazy, but harmless, even if she would like to 'paddle his rear until he gets some horse-sense.' There's no reason to connect him to this in any way. She thought she heard him go out a little while ago with his neighbour, quote, 'sweet girl, horrible taste in men'." Grins. "Apparently, she's been expecting them to get together ever since he hung her panties out the window."

"I don't even want to know." Page pinches the bridge of her nose. "So, we're just dealing with the Three Stooges, huh?"

00000000

"They've probably got the building surrounded." Howard looks around, eyes wild. "Where's that crossbow? I won't let them take me alive."

"What are you going to do, shoot yourself in the foot with it?" Leonard snaps. "I'm sure we can explain..." He trails off, helplessly.

"You really want us to try telling people that we summoned a dragon with magic playing-cards? Good luck with that. I'll be sure to come and visit you in your little rubber room. If they haven't shipped me off to Gitmo for domestic terrorism." Howard starts to bite his fingers again. "I'm too pretty for prison."

"I'd prefer Nurse Ratchet to facing my mother." Raj rocks in his seat.

00000000

"Well, let's go round up the usual suspects."

Page looks up at him.

"Jones, it's after midnight. Why the hell are you wearing sunglasses?"

"Convention." Jones straightens his tie, pulls his face into a blank mask. "If we're busting in on a gang of geeks, then I'm gonna be an MIB."

00000000

This is not how Leonard ever wanted to get naked in front of a beautiful woman.

He's ended up in a flimsy paper jumpsuit that is too big for him, while his clothes are tested for explosives residue, and now, thanks to Howard cracking like a soft-boiled egg, he's about to be tested for hallucinogens.

Page holds up the needle.

"Just a little prick." She says, cheerfully.


	8. Chapter 8

_a/n – Some Anvils Need to be Dropped. Preferably with a precise aim and malice aforethought. _

.

.

As they go down the stairs, Penelope hangs back, bites her lip, glances sideways.

"Um. Okay, so, I don't get it. You're me, right? 'Cos Sheldor says our worlds are a weird mirror, and we're kinda the same people?"

"You don't get why I'm stuck in some crappy apartment..."

"Oh, that's 'cos you don't get to do anything non-guy related except work, drink and buy shoes." Penelope waves that off. "No, I mean..." Drops her voice, "Leonard?"

Penny is sort of expecting it. She sighs.

"I just...thought he was sweet, and nice, okay? And I needed some nice in my life."

Penelope looks back. No, still the same short, badly-dressed man with the odd hair who has had his squinty eyes glued to her ass all evening.

"No, sorry. I still don't get it." She shrugs. "Maybe it's because I know Dranel."

"You never thought of giving _him_ a chance?"

"No." No hesitation. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but with him, I think any girl would do. Just as long as she was pretty."

Penny sags.

She'd convinced herself that Leonard _had_ to be different. Otherwise...otherwise, she's just going to feel stupid and cheap. But now, watching him watching Penelope, and knowing that he was comparing them, and that she was _losing_... everyone has a breaking point. And that was hers.

They'd broken up over something so dumb – she freaked out when he used the 'l' word, he bitched about it when she didn't. But she just wanted a boyfriend, okay, not hearing plans for the future that were all about him and the little house in the suburbs. She didn't feel that her life had even started yet, and he was already choosing baby names. So she panicked and wanted some space, and he jumped into bed with someone else – yeah, really, let's not forget "she let me" in there. And after that, it was just...oh, god, yes, poor decisions and alcohol.

Her life is starting to look less like a free-spirited and liberated young woman satisfying her needs, and a lot more like an insecure young woman being just a bit pathetic. It wasn't 'meant to be', or them always coming back to 'the one'. It was loneliness and horniness and familiarity and booze, and none of them were good reasons in the long term.

She doesn't _want_ to be this whiny shell of who she was, pining after a guy who isn't a bad guy, but who simply isn't anything special. She needs to move on. She left a small town life, and a cheating ex, she needs to leave this behind, too.

"... Mountain Street to Seco Street and thus to Rosemont...Penny, are you listening to me?"

"Sorry, sweetie, just... thinking about the journey I have to make."

"That is exactly what I was outlining. Really, do I have to start over?"

Penny exhales.

"Yeah, I think so. You know what, honey? Sometimes, it's the only way."

And she grins at his indignant, bewildered expression.

00000000

There's something a bit jarring about looking in her rear view mirror, and catching sight of her own face twice. Still, she doesn't check in it as often as she ought to, so hey, there's an upside, right? And there's something comforting and familiar about having Sheldon back in the passenger seat, glaring at the dashboard, but refraining from comment. He's got his laptop open, and some streetmap uploaded, all little arrows and flags. But driving through mostly deserted streets towards the Arroyo Seco is hardly taxing, and Penny is curious about Penelope's world. Not the whole magic versus science, amazing parallels bit, but the _important_ stuff.

"...oh, yeah, we've got unicorns, Tranquillity's very fond of them. And Sheldor had a pet griffin as a child..."

"My sister tried to dress it in a little chain-mail tunic. That didn't end well." Sheldor shakes his head.

"...but fairies are a garden pest, and goblins are thieving little buggers." She grins. "Well, most of them."

Sheldor grumbles under his breath, something about glitter, and, inexplicably, socks. Penny doesn't ask. _That _sounds like one of those stories that can start a couple fighting. Which prompts all sorts of scary thoughts.

"So, do you, uh, spend a lot of time fighting, like, battles and stuff?"

"Oh, we don't go out looking for trouble. We just sit in the Dark Keep, and it kinda comes to us." Penelope shows her teeth. "If someone tries to kill you, then you should get to kill them right back, yeah?"

"It's a very practical method of improving the general population. Anyone stupid enough to attack a vast and ominous fortress defended by sorcery, a dragon, and a very large number of orcs, really needs to be removed from the gene pool."

Penny has to admit that it sounds fair, when they put it that way. A _real_ Castle Doctrine, only with big swinging axe thingies, and lava pits.

She's not expecting the Highway Patrol to flag them down. It's just a lone officer, leaning down and talking in through windows. But old panic is stirring, the familiar litany of are her tail-lights working, has she got any shit in the car she really doesn't want found, and yeah, with that thought, the whole new panic of having two cheerily homicidal warriors and a highly-strung blabbermouth in here with her.

"It's probably a good thing the minions aren't here. You would not wish to be in a confined space with them under pressure." Sheldor remarks. "Taru has a weak bladder, Shlaym perspires freely, and Dranel could play you an amusing medley of folk tunes with his gaseous emissions."

"That sounds... familiar." Sheldon says.

"Could you please not kill anybody right now because I really don't wanna go to prison." Penny says in a rush. "Keep quiet and let me deal with this, and yeah, that means you, too, Sheldon."

This time, running away is not an option. She's literally in the driving seat here. She rolls down the window. The patrol woman glances inside the car.

"You folks come from a costume party?" She looks between them again, and does a double-take. "Twins?"

"I know." Penny manages a light laugh. "But it just seemed to work out that way. Crazy, huh?"

And thankfully the patrol woman laughs, too.

"Sure is. Now, if you were planning on taking the I-210 anyplace, I'm afraid half the northbound lanes are closed past Arroyo Boulevard."

Penny actually feels Sheldon go tense, even though she has her head turned. Penelope casually leans forward, one hand on Sheldor's knee, the other resting on Sheldon's shoulder. Both men freeze obediently. Penny opens her eyes wide.

"Wow, sounds bad."

"Just an over-turned eighteen-wheeler. Should have it cleared soon. But you might want to find an alternate route. You folks have a good night now."

"Thank you, ma'am." Penny keeps that smile on her face, and winds the window. "Don't freak out, Sheldon." She adds, through her teeth.

"I was merely going to observe that that is quite consistent with the plotted route." Sheldon says, offended, as the grip on his trapezius muscle releases.

"Yeah, and then we'd have to explain what we were looking for." Penny fiddles with the radio, looking for a traffic report.

"_...claims a 'freak tornado' hit the truck and tossed it across the highway. Driver Nikolai Dobrynich, 53, was pulled from the cab, shaken but unhurt..."_

"A eighteen-wheeler sounds big." Penelope says in a tight voice.

"We'd have heard if they'd found...anything." Penny is aware that she can't be more comforting right now. "Sheldon, I say we turn north, and concentrate on the upper end of the park."

"I agree." Sheldon is already revising his navigation. "Time is now of the essence."

"I believe I can assist here." Sheldor says. "I think I have the hang of this, now."

Penny's eyes open wide. Ahead of them, all along the intersections, every single stoplight is turning green.

00000000

"Sheldon, we're not hiking up Mount Wilson. I don't think you need the whole Kitbag of Doom, okay?"

He looks a little mutinous, but rummages about, produces a smaller knapsack.

"I think you'll agree that a first aid kit and flashlights would be prudent?"

"Yeah." She's got a small flashlight in the car, but it's been a while since she checked the batteries. She bites her lip, and looks over to where Sheldor is talking in a low voice to Penelope. He seems just as awkward attempting comfort as Sheldon does, but she smiles up at him anyway. Penny sighs.

"Sheldon, do _you_ think she's...better than me?"

He looks at her, bemused.

"I have no idea what scale of arbitrary values you wish to judge against. She is different from you, of course, but...if you had been born in that world, then that is what you would have been."

She stares at him hard, but there's no tic.

"So...that means you think you'd be him?"

"Given the straightforward equivalence of sword and sorcery for football and physics, it would appear so." He doesn't quite look at her, then, a flush on his cheekbones. "Of course, they do seem to participate in a far more physical lifestyle."

"Oh, boy, do they ever."

"What?"

"Never mind."

Penelope is clearly a woman who goes out and grabs life by the throat, and then basically punches it in the face until it hands over happiness. Sheldor clearly adores her – because, hello, tearing a hole in the universe? - and she glows when she looks at him. And they might well have that whole 'rip each other's clothes off and break up the furniture' thing going on, but there is also a tenderness in the way he shakes out his cloak to wrap it round her shoulders, and fond indulgence in the way she listens to him lecture.

And Sheldor _is_ Sheldon. The fluid gestures of those long hands, the way his face lights up with enthusiasm as he babbles on, earnestly trying to share something only he can truly understand. Despite the sword and armour, those are the same wide blue eyes, the same lift of the eyebrows, the same little excited half-smile. The same terrifying intelligence, the same way of setting his shoulders that suddenly makes that tall, skinny frame intimidating, the same monumental self-confidence and...the same utter lack of common sense.

Penny and Penelope both grab an excitedly gesturing male before they step out into the path of an oncoming car, which swerves and blares. Lewd gestures and catcalls float from the windows.

Sheldon glares at the retreating tail-lights. Sheldor scowls, and mutters under his breath. Halfway across the lot, there comes the sound of all four wheels falling off.

Penny realises that she has armour plate under her hands, and not Kevlar, at the same time that Sheldon realises that the small, strong hands gripping his sweater are not his neighbour. But there really isn't time to stop and sort it out, because the owner of the wrecked car is struggling out of the vehicle, along with his passengers.

"He's not happy about that." Sheldon observes, just a hint of trepidation, but no censure.

"He's going to be even less happy when he sees what I turned the engine into." Sheldor says, darkly.

The distant sound of screaming begins as they reach the fence.

It has occurred to Penny that this incarnation of Sheldon might well have put something nastier than moths in Leonard's food. (Experiment, her foot. If the guy can bear a grudge over a missed convention for years, sooner or later, that can-opener stunt was gonna come back to bite them in the ass.)

00000000

Leonard winces as he drops into his chair. Raj looks appropriately terrified.

"Wh...what did they do to you?"

"Only way they could take blood without me passing out." Leonard explains wearily. "Has Howard come round yet?"

00000000

Sheldon follows Penny across the grass. Strange things are happening in his head. Not just the challenge to his perspective on the fundamental principles governing the physical laws of the universe, but a challenge to his perspective on the fundamental principles governing Sheldon Lee Cooper.

He had not been particularly surprised when Penelope flung herself at Sheldor, after her reaction to him. But Sheldor's response had shocked him, the more than willing acceptance of her touch on his person. Sheldon can understand that he was relieved to have her back, that it is a convention to express that relief with an embrace, that Penelope is, in common with his Penny, a demonstrative person. But there is nothing in his own experience, nothing to explain that absolute surrender of his mouth to hers. Just a strange, sick feeling under his ribcage, something a little like hunger, something a little like pain.

Something horribly like... envy? Which is ridiculous. Why would he want to participate in something so...

Unknown. He isn't used to not knowing. And he's watched those around him struggle and waste their time and energy, and fail, and he doesn't fail.

(Except when he does, and everybody laughs at him, sickening humiliation. So much safer not to risk something he can't control, can't understand.)

He himself had been assaulted by Beverley, on practically the same spot. He had been horrified, numb, as a woman he respected, his room-mate's _mother_, had breathed alcohol and germs over him, and pressed her lips against his. Similarly, when Amy had surrendered to some baser impulse while intoxicated. It had not been pleasant or arousing, or anything but deeply uncomfortable and distressing.

But he had seen Sheldor's face, and even he could recognise that blaze of happiness. And there is a growing suspicion that perhaps there is something more here than banal carnality or mere biology.

Sheldon _really_ doesn't like not knowing something.

00000000

"This isn't the way things are supposed to work, you know?"

"Look," Raj says, wearily, "there isn't any way to put this on Sheldon, okay? He wasn't even there."

"We snuck off without him because he was being his usual anal self."

"I just don't think 'because he's annoying' is gonna work this time."

"But it always has before." Leonard whines. "I get to play the sympathy card for putting up with him, and however obnoxious we are, we always deflect the blame and get people to laugh at him instead."

They think about that for a moment.

"Anybody else think that kinda sucks?" Raj asks, eventually. Howard shrugs.

"Well, let's face it, without Sheldon, we wouldn't stand out from any other group of socially stunted nerd stereotypes."

Leonard frowns at him.

"But I thought we'd established that I'm the hub of our social grouping?"

"Maybe, but there are people out there who might find you smug and creepy and a little bit desperate."

"No, people _like_ me." Leonard protests. "I'm an unassuming everyman hero, striving to find love, and thus escape the geek stereotype and integrate into the normal world. Why should I get side-lined in favour of a tall, abrasive supergenius with no social skills?"

"Because, alternatively, you're just a horny schmuck who wanted to nail the dumb blonde next door?"

"Besides," Raj says, "This is the age of the re-boot, man. It's Spock that gets the girl, now, Sherlock Holmes is a hot bishie, and the Doctor _definitely_ dances."


	9. Chapter 9

Penny is hugely grateful that they have avoided any security guards or cops and stuff, because Sheldor seems to go right past 'Jedi mind trick' and straight to full-on 'Set phasers to kill' – and it worries her that she's even starting to think in these terms. Four years of hanging out with the guys has definitely changed her, whether she wants it to, or not. She even has an _opinion_ on whether Han shot first. (Hell, yes – some creepy dude is trash talking you in a skeevy bar like that, you put a cap in his ass fast.) And, yeah, she doesn't want to hang out with stupid guys any more, because she's got used to hearing random facts and finding out new things about the world, something more than sports scores and the latest gym workout.

Still, if you'd ever told her that she would be slinking through the trees of Upper Arroyo Park late at night with her crazy neighbour... She looks sideways to where Sheldon is picking his way up the path, directing the flashlight at their feet.

Though, really, who else would she be out looking for a dragon with?

She thought he'd be freaking out about the whole thing more. (She thought _she'd_ be freaking out more.) But maybe this is all so huge and strange, that eventually you get numb. The rest of the world seems a long way away here. Everything is very quiet, even the traffic just a vague rumble, and the sudden muffled bark of a distant dog in one of the houses above them makes her startle. The flashlight jumps in Sheldon's hand, and she puts her hand on his arm. But there is no more to it, and they continue walking, following the other dim circle of light, the dark shadows of their other selves.

"I hope we find her soon."

"Yes." His voice pitched low, "I have no idea whether her physiology is compatible with our world. It is a shame that we have no herpetologist available to us amongst our circle."

"A what?" That sounds...icky.

"A zoologist who specializes in the study of amphibians and reptiles." He sighs. "Bernadette has a doctorate in what is essentially yeast, and so would not be of help with anything that can't be seen through a microscope. Though I would be interested to hear Amy's thoughts on parallel evolution and biological development..."

"_No_, Sheldon." Her nails dig into his arm through his shirt. "I like Amy, yeah, but she sticks electrodes into monkey's brains for fun. Trust me, that would not end well here. We can't ever tell anyone about this."

"Why?" Of course, Sheldon wouldn't see a problem with getting himself committed.

"It's...a sacred covenant of trust." Penny says, inspired. "We're the chosen guardians of the knowledge."

And...she doesn't want to share this. This is _their_ Quest.

00000000

They find her between the streambed and the pathway, huddled against one of the concrete pillars supporting the highway, with the faint glow of a lonely streetlamp above them, and, on the far horizon, the distant flicker, red-blue-orange, of emergency vehicles strobing the night.

Tranquillity is curled in a loose semi-circle, holding one of her front legs up off the ground. One of her wings is canted at a strange angle, and even from here, the tattered wounds are visible as she noses at them. Every so often, she makes a soft noise of distress (it sounds rather like a cow down a well.) Penelope gives a small wail and breaks into a run.

It takes quite a lot to damage a dragon. They are intelligent animals, the ultimate predator, naturally armoured against all but the luckiest of projectile shots. But a Peterbilt 379 was not something Tranquillity had ever encountered before, rushing out of the night at her. The collision had jack-knifed the truck, but it had also sent the dragon spiralling down into the trees.

Every instinct in Sheldon's brain is screaming 'run, climb, hide'. And his body won't obey him. He doesn't even feel faint, just utterly detached - the perfect separation of mind and body that he has long sought, and which is thoroughly inconvenient at the present moment.

He hadn't anticipated that they would have to get quite this close. Wasn't quite sure, looking back on it, what he had expected.

It has all been words, up until now. Sheldor and Penelope are simply people, who could change their clothes and not draw more than a casual glance. Even the things that Sheldor has done – they haven't been so strange, in a world of automatic doors and remote explosives. Sheldon himself could hack the traffic control system, if he wished. The fact that these things were done by manipulating natural forces rather than applying technology is one he is able to integrate, from a lifetime of absorbing comics, and hoping somewhere deep inside himself that they were real. But essentially, the end result is the same, even if the method differs. A lifetime of CGI takes the edge off. Everyone has seen miracles. But here, in the shadow of the highway, the world has suddenly, truly become a stranger place.

Not quite crocodile, or lizard, or dinosaur – something of all of them, perhaps. Part of the legends of childhood. Except here, the sword-wielding warrior is here to save the monster, and the beautiful princess is running her hands over the beast's scales and talking to it, as it whiffles in her hair.

"Penny..." His hand goes out, but not quickly enough. She has stepped towards the creature, and he must force his legs to follow.

The little clip on the tv hadn't really sunk in. Tranquillity is _big_. And there is something very different, something special and electric, in being this close to something this large that is actually alive. Penny extends a trembling hand and touches the scaly hide. It moves beneath her fingers, smooth and warm.

"Oh my god." She breathes.

One large golden eye rolls round, and fixes on her. There is no malice, just a hopeful trust.

A sudden very fierce feeling rises up in Penny. Nobody is going to be putting this darling in a cage, or cutting her up for science. And the face she turns to Sheldon is alight with wonder and purpose.

Penelope, white-faced and her eyes over-bright, finishes her examination.

"I don't think her front leg is broken, though she's cracked two claws. She's just dreadfully shaken and bruised, poor darling. But her wing..."

Two of the long thin bones have snapped, and the leathery membrane hangs in tattered strips.

Sheldor looks like he wants to blow something up, fists clenching.

"I'm...not a healer." He says, with some difficulty. "I could seal the damage with fire, but it will hurt her, and if I do so, Tranquillity might never fly again."

Penelope buries her face in his shoulder. Penny bites her lip, swallows hard. This beautiful thing was made to fly, and she'll never understand if she can't. And Sheldor is so obviously not used to being helpless in a situation. Suddenly, he and Penelope are just two frightened and worried people.

"If I may..." Sheldon's voice is thin and shaking, but there's a trace of his usual lecturing tone beneath the tremor. "Cyanoacrylates have been used as wound sealant since soon after their inception. Although the material was originally developed in the 1940's in an effort to create a new plastic for military use, it proved unsuitable in that capacity, and became utilised instead as a powerful adhesive. It was in veterinary use well before the FDA approved the use on humans."

Rummaging in the knapsack he has shrugged off, he produces a slender tube-applicator.

"You're planning on _supergluing_ her wing back together?" Penny blurts.

"This is a specified medical grade." He swallows hard. "It could serve until you could get her to a, a dragon doctor."

"There you are, my love." And there is relief in Sheldor's voice, "You can stop crying on me, now. My equally brilliant counterpart has a solution to the problem."

"Of course _one_ of you would." Penelope wipes her nose on her hand (and Penny can't help smirking as both men flinch) and gives a watery smile. "Sorry, it's been a strange day. Even for us."

"Tell me about it." Penny says, and gives her a weary grin.

00000000

Sheldor directs the flashlight, and Penelope gently holds together the wing as Sheldon applies the glue.

The last time Penny used superglue, she had stuck her hand to the shoe she was mending. There was no way they were going to risk that here, so Sheldon had had to pull on the latex gloves. Penny knows how terrified Sheldon is of even medium-sized dogs. So she knows exactly how much courage it takes for him to step up and touch a creature that could bite him in half. She can see the set of his jaw, but those long fingers are steady as he works.

She wonders afterwards if that is the moment when she realises that she's more than a little bit in love with him. He's not quite a knight in shining armour, perhaps, but he is so much more than just her crazy nuisance neighbour. He's far from perfect, heck, sometimes he's far from human, but - he's _there_ when he's needed, even if he's scared out of his mind.

"Penny, if you could hand me another ampoule from the kit, please."

"Yes, Doctor."

He spares a slide of his eyes sideways at her levity, a twitch of his mouth. After the first time, they have developed rhythm for the changeover.

"You would indeed make a splendid Nurse Chapel." He says, quietly.

Tranquillity twists her head round to look at what is going on, her breath redolent of brimstone and old blood. Penny sees Sheldon's eyes shut briefly, the tic in his cheek as his hands still. She rests her hand on his back, small soothing circles. Sheldor fends off the questing snout with a push and a stern look, gives them a small nod. Sheldon takes a deep breath, and carries on.

His world is this one small circle of light, the precise joining of these two leathery surfaces, and the warm touch of her fingertips between his shoulder-blades.

He had not wanted to do this. But there was trust in the faces turned towards him, hope and a weight of expectation, and he can't crush the little glow in him at the pride in Penny's eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

They sit afterwards, on carefully dusted rocks, or the ground. Penny decides that she would hurt somebody for a cup of coffee right now. She notices that Sheldon is shivering.

"Are you cold, sweetie?"

"Reaction." Sheldon regards his shaking hands with some surprise. "A release of tension after a period of intense concentration." He blinks up at her, his eyes looking slightly bruised. "There is an instant hot chocolate drink mix within the knapsack. It may be safer if you handled the preparation." A pause. "Please."

Heating water isn't exactly a problem, with a sorcerer as part of the group. (Penny is just grateful that they didn't suggest using the World's Largest Blowtorch to light a fire.) There are only two cups, though. She wonders if Sheldor is as picky as Sheldon.

"We'll share a cup." Penelope says firmly to him. "And yes, you can drink first."

And that will be a yes, then. She looks at the weary Sheldon. He looks back.

"We'll do the same." She says. Sheldon opens his mouth, closes it, then nods. Wraps his long fingers round the little travel cup, and decides that he doesn't care that there is no 'r' in the month. Extraordinary circumstances require extraordinary measures. He lets the warmth and sweetness flow through him, hands stilling even as his mind races.

Physical proof of a parallel dimension. A whole new branch of energy manipulation mechanics. And nobody can ever know about any of this. It's an odd feeling, for a man who has been chasing public recognition since his teens. But he understands Penny's reasoning. Magic and monsters against modern weaponry? The only winning move is not to play.

Penny will know, though. He will not bear the burden completely alone. Penny, who may not understand a fraction of his work, but who is willing to believe in the possibilities of so many things, even if some of them are pure hokum. Of course, since he has just watched a man with his own face boil water with his fingers, and used superglue to mend a dragon, his own definition of hokum may need revising.

He drains the last of his beverage, holds out the cup to Penny, wincing a little at the thought of sharing a drinking vessel. And finds himself watching her lips as they touch where his have been. The shiver that runs through him then has nothing to do with the chill of the night, confuses and scares him, and so he drags his eyes away, to concentrate on the conversation.

"...turns out, _he_ can't fly Tranquillity without landing her in a lake."

"Once. And there were mitigating circumstances."

"There was a big fish, sweetie. And you know how greedy she is."

"Because you indulge the wretched creature." Sheldor grumbles. Penelope just laughs at him, and continues scratching gently behind the spiny frill of Tranquillity's ear.

Part of Sheldon's mind still chitters with primate fear - _teeth-talons-fire –_ and yet there is a trust in the blonde barbarian woman who impresses her will on the beast, keeps it in check. He knows how stubborn and strong-willed Penny can be, after all. And how reckless. It doesn't surprise him that her counterpart flies about on a creature most would run screaming from. Though he does worry about the structural integrity of the horrifyingly flimsy little saddle contraption. At least someone has had the sense to add extra safety straps.

Penny has been digging through the knapsack, and has found the stash of emergency foodstuffs. The MRE's go right back again, but Sheldon knows from experience that she'll tear into the candy like a blonde velociraptor. Perhaps the analogy of people being like their pets has some merit after all...

"Chocolate?" Sheldor asks, cocks an eyebrow. Penelope looks at him.

"Why, thank you." She purrs.

Sheldor holds out the chocolate between his long fingers. Penelope wraps her mouth around it. They don't take their eyes off each other.

Penny daren't even look at Sheldon.

Sheldon's mind has gone...not blank, but he is aware that certain cognitive processes have ground to a halt. (He had hand-fed Penny chocolate once, in a effort to modify behaviour. He's...fairly sure they had not looked like _that - _Had they?) When you have spent a lifetime loudly proclaiming your indifference to human emotion, and your disdain for physical relationships, watching what amounts to your own self blatantly seducing, or being seduced by, or doing _something_ with, a double of your neighbour, about whom you do not ever allow yourself to think in that manner, because she is your friend, and your room-mate's ex-girlfriend, and the best friend of your female friend, who is very definitely not your girlfriend, and it would be messy and complicated, and you don't do either of those things, because mess and complication are abhorrent, and you certainly don't do change or human contact, or allow the idea of soft, warm lips closing gently around the ends of your fingers like that, because that is simply unhygienic and really starting to cause a considerable amount of personal discomfort and...

Sheldon explodes out of his seat, and practically scurries down the path.

Three people and one dragon stare after him in bemused consternation. Penelope swallows her chocolate.

"Is he okay?"

"It's creepy as hell watching someone with my face making out with someone with his." Penny says bluntly, her own face still hot. "And Sheldon doesn't do...touching, or kissing, or...other stuff. With anyone."

Two sets of eyebrows go up. Penelope reaches out and pokes Sheldor's arm.

"Go and see if he's alright." She says, in a tone which brooks no argument. Sheldor huffs, but unfolds himself, and stalks down the path.

"I'm sorry, this must be really weird for you guys." Penelope bites her lip, and looks at her boots. "It's just...I can't resist Sheldor when he does his Dark Lord thing, and I have to kinda step it up, because he's so not getting it all his own way."

"He's, um, bossy?" Penny can't help it. Her brain is going to bad, bad places.

"Oh, you have no idea..." A very dirty grin. "Memory like a steel trap, learns _real_ fast and has serious control issues." The grin fades. "Now, tell me what the deal is with Sheldon."

"Sheldon doesn't have a deal." (Control issues? Check. Freaky memory? Check. Black leather pants...no, not going there.)

"For real? I know he's got the same 'no eating strange stuff in strange places' thing, and the same huge brain, I guess I thought they'd be the same that way, too. I mean, sure, when I met Sheldor, he was trying to be all 'touch me not, woman, for I am dedicated to sorcery' – but that lasted right up until I jumped his bones."

"If a girl jumped Sheldon, he'd probably freak out and run off to bathe himself in Purell."

"Might depend on the girl." Penelope shrugs. "Sheldor didn't even notice all the enchantresses throwing themselves at him. I kinda like the fact that he was that choosy. Makes me feel special, y'know?"

Penny would be lying if she said that she'd never, well, _thought_ about Sheldon's hands, those lovely long fingers. First time she'd met him, it had all been height and forearms and those wide blue eyes, him leaning on that whiteboard of his, and shyly, awkwardly smiling at her. Then he'd gone twitchy and obsessive...but she'd definitely been flirting with him, because if he keeps his mouth shut, or at least isn't so him, he _is_ cute. He'd certainly looked damned fine that one time she'd gotten him into that dark suit. (And then she'd gotten him drunk, again, and yeah, it's a pattern, one drink, two drinks, too many drinks, and stupid shit happening - )

If she jumped him, he'd be horrified. And there it is, her fear, there would be active disgust and not just confusion.

Except. Sheldor and Penelope seem to manage just fine, bickering and bantering and throwing off sparks.

"How did you know you loved him?" That wasn't what she'd meant to ask, at all. Oh, _crap_.

00000000

Sheldon hasn't gone very far, standing in the middle of the path, fists clenching and unclenching. He turns a slightly wild face towards Sheldor.

"How did you...why did you..." Waves his hands helplessly. "You're _me_. And I've dedicated my life to the pursuit of science, and have thus forsaken such human companionship."

"It is true that I had never even considered entering into any form of relationship before Penelope, but she does not distract me from my work." Sheldor thinks, unaccountably flushes along his cheekbones. "Mostly. But that was my own fault for not locking the door."

00000000

"Well, I told you that I took on this venturing job, right? This king wanted this big, evil sorcerer guy dispatched, blah blah. I mean, I couldn't get anybody to tell me exactly what he'd done that was so evil, but a bag of gold was a bag of gold, and since I'd had to leave a whole load of my stuff behind when I ran out on my bonehead cheating scumbag boyfriend – I caught him with some temple tramp he'd 'rescued' – I wasn't gonna be too picky."

00000000

"Just because I choose to wear a lot of black, and live in a dark fortress filled with eldritch creatures, whilst I tear asunder the very fabric of reality in a search for arcane knowledge, I get branded as some kind of black magician. People can be so limited in their perceptions." Sheldor huffs. "It's always extremely tiresome when some idiot mob turns up at the gates with torches and pitchforks, telling me to banish the demons and burn the grimoires and that I should just be quaffing ale and tupping wenches, because that's what everybody else does. I've really never found that a sufficient reason for anything."

"Nor I."

"So why have you allowed yourself to become infantilised to placate a mediocracy?" Sheldon blinks. Sheldor continues. "It is very sad that so many can be satisfied with so very little effort, but you shouldn't let yourself be fettered by their stupidity."

Sheldon thinks about it. It is true that nobody really treats him as a responsible adult – they seem to forget that he had obtained his academic honours, his job, his apartment, functioned perfectly adequately before he met any of them - and he's gradually accepted it, permitted himself to become a living punchline. It's all rather embarrassing in hindsight. He says as much to Sheldor, who nods.

"I suspect that, like me, you can become too close to a problem sometimes. A fresh perspective on it can occasionally be helpful."

"You allow others to work with you?" Sheldon is shocked.

"Goodness, no." Sheldor is equally appalled. "But correcting their mistakes before they blow themselves through a wall or sign away their immortal souls can provide a useful temporary diversion. But we are wandering off the point."

"My apologies. Do continue."

"I was living a life of study and seclusion, having found a residence suitable for my purpose, and had arranged matters so that the continuous parade of idiots who wished to challenge me, steal from me or simply attempt to kill me were summarily dealt with before they could interrupt my work. And all my precautions proved inadequate, when this uncouth barbarian dropped herself into my life."

00000000

"So, there's this big dark tower, looming over the town, and I'm thinking, oh, yeah, this guy is sooo compensating. But, well, I kinda misjudged the landing. And then, there was this tall guy in armour looking down at me, with these gorgeous blue eyes. It's weird, but I never expected a sorcerer to be cute, y'know? Always thought they were old guys in badly-fitting robes. But he looked all lean and fit - those forearms - and then he turned out to be scary-smart, which was actually kinda hot, too. And," a very dirty smirk, "the tower was more of a statement."

"..."

00000000

"I had rather hoped that Penelope might have been attracted solely to my intellect, but apparently a factor in her decision was that I have 'a cute butt'." He gives an amused little smile, roll of his eyes. "She also has a strange fascination with my hands."

"I had noticed that." Sheldon clears his throat, wriggles slightly.

"Yes, for some reason, she always claims honey tastes better off my fingers...are you feeling quite well?"

"..."

00000000

"Turns out he was living in about three little rooms in the top of the tower, and the rest of the place was like some great elaborate death-trap. He'd got these other guys hanging about, doing their own weird little things round the place, but really, he was just holed up, poking a stick into the universe to see if it poked back, and ignoring everything outside his door."

00000000

"Well, I could have let her go on her way again, but I found myself unaccountably troubled by the thought. Quite clearly, she was a young woman of great courage, but woefully lacking in actual planning skills. There was nothing to stop her rushing off headlong into some fatal combat, falling under the spell of some lecherous little warlock, or simply throwing herself away on another muscular moron with a ready smile. I found that I had a sudden deep desire to cherish her." Sheldor frowns. "It was a most peculiar sensation."

00000000

"He's kinda crazy and he never shuts up about how smart he is and he always wants to be right and have things his way, but underneath all that armour and arrogance, he can be so sweet, and he needs someone to make him laugh and look after him when he's sick and get him to act like a normal person, even if he can blow up mountains and do scary shit like that. He treated me like a queen when I was just a failed priestess and axe-for-hire. And if I gave up the whole raid and conquer thing tomorrow, he'd still treat me just the same. After a lifetime of musclebound meatheads and wannabe bards, I finally found a guy who actually liked _me_, and not just the fact that I looked good in his yurt."

00000000

"It would be pointless to deny her aesthetic appeal, of course, but what I really appreciate is her cheerful, outgoing personality, and her natural affection and kindness. She leaves her dirty armour all over the floor of the bedroom, her singing sounds like somebody roasting cats, she drinks like a pirate, has no grasp of tactics, strategy or planning, is easily distracted by shiny things and has a distressing tendency towards violence as a solution to everything. She is disruptive in the extreme. And I would not want my life without her in it."

Sheldon looks at him. If he accepts that this man is what he himself could be in another world, then he must accept all aspects of that, that somewhere deep inside himself is the capacity to love another human being as much as he has ever loved science, and for both things to be possible in his life.

He examines the idea. Interesting.

He's never been able to imagine himself engaged in a physical relationship, connecting emotionally with another person, feeling accepted, if not understood. And now he has incontrovertible proof of exactly what that would look like. And, as much as he would like to have a mind above such trivial concerns, he is shamefully aware that the same animal hindbrain that wants to climb a tree when faced with Tranquillity, also has some very definite ideas about what to do when faced with a curvy blonde with big green eyes and a sweet smile.

(_Of course_ he peeked. And an eidetic memory has summoned back the sight more often than he would ever want to admit to.)

What he has never wanted to do is to become a slave to his hormones. Participate in that same tired round of pursuit and consummation that seems to devour the time, minds and energy of his acquaintances, and bring them only ephemeral satisfaction.

But. If he chose to 'opt out' of the whole sphere of human relationships, that does not preclude him deciding to opt back in. He can make a deliberate choice to pursue, not random women, but quite specifically, Penny. It isn't the result of undirected biological urge, but a conscious decision. Yes.


	11. Chapter 11

_a/n – I find canon-Penny the most difficult character to write, because I cannot work out what the hell is going on in her head. (And yeah, I'm including the dragon here.) The mere idea that she's pining after L. as the best boyfriend she ever had would almost be funny, if it wasn't so pathetic and horrifying. And frankly, deeply mystifying. _

_"Sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you want to be. The person you are." H.G Wells_

_Also, Playing Garbage 'Version 2.0' might have had some influence on this chapter._

.

.

.

"To everyone else, he's this big scary sorcerer in black armour with the flaming sword and the dark magic, but to me, he's always gonna be the cutie who brings me flowers." Penelope smiles. "And it wouldn't do much for his awesome rep if people knew what a baby he is when he's got a cold, either."

"He doesn't make you bring him soup, does he?"

"And the chest liniment..." "...Counterclock-wise." They both chorus, and laugh.

"You spend your entire life thinking you'll meet this one man, and you have this picture in your head, and you spend all your time trying to find him, and nobody quite matches up. And then one day, you meet a guy who is just totally wrong, because he's skinny and odd and maybe a little bit scary sometimes, and he's brutally honest even when you'd rather he wasn't, and he doesn't seem to have a clue, and he's nothing like anyone you'd usually be with, and none of that matters."

"Yeah, but you know that Sheldor loves you." Penny gives a very shaky little laugh. "Sheldon just thinks I'm stupid, and he always thought I was wrong for hooking up with Leonard."

Penelope shrugs.

"So, you slept with a guy. I was already kinda disqualified from some of the prissier temples, if you get me, and that never bothered Sheldor – he likes learning new things. And hey, we've all had a few mornings we'd really like to forget."

"...eight months..." Penny mumbles. Penelope spit-takes the last of her chocolate.

"Oh, this world is _really_ messed up." She wipes her mouth. "But you've got over that, now, right? And honey, if you bleat 'but he was sweet', or that you made some mistake letting him go, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna smack you. All I saw this evening was a whiny little guy making you feel bad about yourself."

"I know." Penny puts her face in her hands. "It just seemed like it was what was always supposed to happen. I don't even know how it went from a couple of bad dates, to suddenly feeling I had to jump him."

"Oh, euw." Penelope looks sadly at her cup; she needs something stronger than this if her double is gonna share that sort of thing. "Are you sure you don't have magic here? 'Cos that sounds like the sort of jerkass stunt I had to beat the crap out of a couple of little creeps for a while back. They seemed to think you didn't need a personality if you'd got tits."

"Yeah, well, I've been wondering lately if I _have_ got some sort of curse on me." Penny is more than half serious. "I never used to be this... pathetic. I mean, god, if I was one of my friends, I'd have told myself to get over it already, _I_ broke up with _him, _and what was I thinking, anyway? Just 'cos he seemed kinda swe..." Catches herself up. "See, I'm doing it again. Oh, god, I've been hexed, or brainwashed, or something. On one level, I know he's just a man with bad dress sense and a worse mother who wanted a hot girlfriend to brag about. But it's like all these shrill little voices are whining 'but he's such a _nice_ _guy_, and he _likes_ you, so you should try and get him back, let him give you another _chance_...'"

Penelope leans across and slaps her. Penny takes a deep breath.

"Wow. Thanks."

"No problem." Penelope points a finger. "Now, listen to me, sweetie. Let. It. Go. You tried, it sucked, you both move on. It's just dumb to repeat the same mistake over again, in the hope it's gonna work out _this_ time. You know it is. It was a couple of months of okay sex, and that was all."

Penny wants to say that it was more than that. That Leonard had _loved_ her, that he had valued her for more than that. Wants to give examples of all the things they had in common, the little things they shared, things they'd done, places they'd been, gifts he'd given her, times he'd been there when she needed him, everything, anything, that showed he cared about her, Penny, and not just the sex. But she's coming up empty.

"And the next time you drink too much, chain yourself to the bath-tub or something until the stupid passes. 'Cos there's a really fine line between having a good time, and being the good time had by all. Nobody's gonna respect you if you don't respect yourself, and you're just gonna find yourself stuck serving up food and sex and being something pretty to look at, while other people have the adventures and conversations and actual lives."

Penny cringes slightly at the onslaught. Penelope is used to wrangling dragons, commanding an orc horde, and arguing with Sheldor, after all. But hearing the hard, sharp words - and in her own voice - is a breath of fresh air, blows away the stale, useless twittering in her head. Tattered remnants of pride and self-respect creep out of hiding.

If she's freaked out by her double being a warrior queen, then Penelope must be so disappointed in her. She's disappointed in herself.

Penelope hadn't meant to let go quite that much. But she's tired, and really freaked out by this alternate world, and the thought that she could have ended up as this woman, and so near and yet so far from someone who looks like her Sheldor. Takes a breath, and softens her tone.

"You can't change the past, and it's really difficult to read the future. Unless you do that icky thing with the sheep's liver, and we don't have any livestock round here, which is probably as well with Little Miss Cowbreath here... But, anyway, yeah, so you can't do anything about what has happened. What happens from now, though, you can totally do something about."

"I sure as hell need to." Penny's eyes are wide. "You wanna stick around for a while and slap me if I start slipping again?"

"You won't." Penelope says, with confidence. "You were smart and strong and brave once, you can get that back. And you won't want the ground chuck, if there's a nice, juicy steak around."

Penny stifles her laugh, but she feels it bubble up in her. Something free and happy and warm.

He's geeky and strange, and she'd never be able to take him out to places -

...places she hasn't been for a while, because they are full of the same type of guy she wants to get away from. And it isn't like she took Leonard to those places, either, is it? After the roller-skating incident... and then she has a sudden image of Sheldon on skates, all eyes and elbows, and she has to smile. He'd be adorable.

And that's it, really. She can't help it. Sheldon manages to get past her defences, every time. Because she could have just hidden behind her front door and stayed away from the weirdoes across the hall, found herself another apartment long before now, refused to give in to any of the crazy. She might have slept with Leonard, but, really, she'd gotten herself involved with all the guys (...and that's a truly icky thought, Howard-wise.) Walking away had stopped being an option a long time ago.

If she wanted smarter, then she's going right to the top there. And if she wants something different in her life, then, yeah, he's different, alright.

So he's weird, and a little crazy? She's sitting under an overpass with a body double from another world, and a dragon. It kinda puts being picky about your take-out into perspective.

Penny smiles.

"You know what, I really _love_ a good steak." she says.


	12. Chapter 12

A much calmer and more thoughtful Sheldon follows Sheldor back along the path. The two women, alike in profile, laughing about something.

Can he do this? How does he proceed? He will have to marshall his arguments, present his case. Perhaps plan a campaign. There will be research needed. At least he can learn from the mistakes of others. His thoughts are slightly derailed by the warm smile Penny gives him.

"...good reason I don't let Sheldor drink."

"Show-tunes?"

"Platypuses."

"Oh."

"Yeah, he thinks they're funny. Some of the poor little things end up plaid..." Penelope turns a grin up towards the returning men. "I don't think Taru's sister has ever forgiven you, has she?"

"I did turn her back. Eventually." Sheldor hoods his eyes. "But it did stop her arguing with me for one blissful week."

Sheldon has a pang of envy. The idea of Priya Koothrappali silenced by a duck-bill is irresistible.

"Don't tell me you were losing an argument?" Penny feels able to tease.

"One cannot ever argue satisfactorily with elves."

"They always pull that pointy-eared supremacy schtick on you – y'know, taller, thinner, prettier, cooler, smarter... and punching them in the face for it is an automatic loss, apparently."

"But I bet it would feel good."

"Yeah." Penelope agrees, then gives a feral grin. "But watching her being chased around by a bunch of orclings that wanted to pet the 'furry ducky' was pretty funny, too."

00000000

Under cover of checking Tranquillity's wing, Penelope turns to her mate.

"Did you get him straightened out?"

"I attempted to rectify some of the damage. Hopefully, I succeeded in staving off a downward spiral."

"Me, too. This world is freaking me out."

"Well, the forces of entropy and atrophy do seem to be dominant here." Translates off her look. "The same things will keep happening again and again until all the energy and life has been sucked out, and then you'll just have mindless puppets, being jerked about through motions that no longer have any meaning."

"That's horrible." Penelope's face is pale, and her voice shakes. "Can't we save them?"

Sheldor pats her shoulder.

"Our arrival here has already created a new time-line. And by my calculations, we got here just before the damage became irretrievable."

"What would have happened if we hadn't?"

"It's probably best not to dwell on it." Sheldor says firmly, and shudders. "There's a level of decay past which there is no hope."

Penelope shivers.

"But we can get out? I want to go home."

"Oh, yes. Whenever you think Tranquillity is recovered enough. It's a simple matter of aligning the spatial-temporal congruencies within the matrix of the mythopoeic tesseract..."

Penelope lets him explain for a full minute, before she kisses him to shut him up. He just looks so damn sexy when he's being smart.

00000000

Sheldon is repacking the knapsack, his face pinched.

"I still cannot comprehend why people find stupid things done while intoxicated so amusing. It merely seems to involve humiliating oneself. Or encouraging others to do so."

Penny bites her lip, one memory vivid in her mind.

"Did I ever apologise, Sheldon?"

"Frequently."

"No, for laughing at you the next morning. I shouldn't have done that."

"You were attempting to curry favour with Leonard, who was bolstering his own self-confidence after his own sub-Oedipal outburst. He tends to cover his own deficiencies by turning on others, and seeks acceptance within a pack."

"That makes him sound like a bully." Penny has always associated that word with jocks. The guys in letterman jackets shouldering down the school hallways and pushing guys like Leonard into their lockers.

"He was taught by experts." Sheldon echoes her thoughts. "Simply because he is a physically unimposing specimen does not exclude him from acts of malice. I have never been able to bring myself to trust him fully since..." his face twitches slightly, "that incident with the can-opener."

"That was a long time ago, Sheldon, are you ever gonna just let it go? It was just a little prank, and they said sorry..."

Sheldon draws himself up to his full outraged height.

"It was my _work_, Penny. They are _scientists_, and they saw fit to tamper with data and sabotage an experiment out of mere pique." He sounds bitter, but there is a bewildered pain in there, too.

"They did say you were being...difficult." It sounds so inadequate, in hindsight.

"They didn't have to come with me. I thought they would enjoy helping to achieve something of intellectual merit. After all, Wolowitz built a malfunctioning space-toilet, Koothrappali spent months taking University funding for watching movies, and Leonard merely duplicates the experiments of others. And instead, they spent _weeks_ wrecking things and laughing at me behind my back, all while I thought they were helping me. Now, thanks to them, I'm the joke who screwed up on the National Science Foundation's dime."

"Oh, god, Sheldon, I never thought of it like that." Penny feels slightly sick.

"You wouldn't. You were too busy allowing Leonard carnal access." The flat matter-of-fact tone hurts more than the anger.

"Stop calling it that. He was my boyfriend, we had sex."

"I know, I had to endure listening to you through the wall." Sheldon says, grimly. "Amy has occasionally likened our milieu to a troop of bonobos, but Leonard tends to sound more like a howler monkey."

Penny has seen 'Animal Planet'. And she isn't too happy at being compared to a weird little sex monkey, especially by Amy.

"People like being with other people, Sheldon. And while I like Amy, she's not exactly an authority on, y'know, actual _human_ relationships."

"No, that would probably be you, since you have had more than the rest of us combined. Though I would question your methodology, since none of them appear to last."

He doesn't mean it to hurt, he's just stating a fact. But Penny snaps.

"Don't you dare judge me, Sheldon Cooper! When I broke up with Leonard, you came round and ate spaghetti, and you said that we were still friends. And then you just stopped coming round, and four months later, I found you'd met Amy. Four months, Sheldon, and you never told me. And when you both called me a slut, I sat there and told myself that neither of you had the first idea how to behave like frickin' _people_, and I should just let it go. But it hurt, okay? I thought you were different from all those other guys, but you still dumped me for another girl. And it isn't even like you ever even noticed me that way, so I don't know why I even care."

"I noticed." Sheldon's voice comes out tight. "But unlike you, I have always chosen not to let primal biological imperatives rule my higher brain functions."

"Oh, you...robot!" She actually stamps her foot. "You hide behind your toys and your routine and your goddam work so you don't even have to try being human. At least Amy _tries._ And just because you don't understand, that doesn't make me..._it_ worthless and useless and _stupid_..."

"But I _don't_ understand why every other achievement or activity should be subordinated, or why any ethical lapse can be excused in the pursuit of it." His frustration is clear. "How can I understand anything when all the rules keep changing? You made yourself an integral part of my routine, and then you changed the parameters by becoming involved with Leonard. I know that was always his intention from the moment he set eyes upon you, since he was already hoping for coitus whilst you were in our shower..."

Leonard had been... Oh, crap, well, _of course_ he was.

"...But I never felt that you would be well suited together."

"Why? Because I'm just a dumb waitress?" Penny spits.

Sheldon flings his arms wide in exasperation.

"No, because I always hoped that you would strive for a better mate than a man who would be satisfied by nothing more than the ego boost of your undoubted aesthetic appeal by his side, and a ready supply of intercourse!"

At which point, a large, scaly head lowers silently down out of the night behind him.

Tranquillity is getting bored. The two-legs have been doing their courting dance for long enough – they use their arms instead of wings to flap and they don't actually have tails to lash, but the effect is very much the same, all the stalking and snarling. The male is wise and strong, the female savage and hot-flamed – they will produce fine eggs.

Her snout nudges Sheldon gently in the small of the back.

Sheldon stumbles forward with a yelp, and Penny barely has time to brace herself for impact. Luckily, she's strong and he's skinny, and so they don't end up ass over teakettle. Tranquillity gives a satisfied snort.

Sheldon, all fear forgotten, glares at Tranquillity, seemingly uncaring of the fact that he is clutching onto Penny quite possessively. Penny opens her mouth to tell Sheldon that he can let go of her, right now. And then she shuts it again. She relaxes her hold on the front of his jacket, but she doesn't release it. Her brain is now replaying certain words. _"I noticed." _ And _"undoubted aesthetic appeal." _

Tranquillity just rests her chin on the ground and blinks lazily at them; the construction of her jaw gives her a reptilian smirk anyway, but she still contrives to look particularly smug.

Sheldon becomes aware that he has an armful of Penny. An armful that is showing no signs of resistance or escape. He looks down into wide green eyes, that narrow abruptly.

"Sheldon, do you think I'm pretty?"

"Well, of course you are physically attractive." Sheldon rolls his eyes. "You hardly need me to affirm that fact. And it is precisely because of that, that I mistrusted my response to you. I refused to allow myself to be ruled by such primal urges."

Sheldon thought she was hot, and he was bothered by it. Part of Penny's mind does a little victory dance – even cold Vulcan logic stands no chance against her.

"However, as you know, I am not always adept with interpreting emotional responses. It appears that I was not able to distinguish between the desire for coitus and a true bond of affection."

Penny's smile is twisted.

"Yeah, well, that one confuses a lot of people, honey."

"Oh." He nods. "Well, I needed guidance in interpreting certain phenomena, and I found the one source of information that I would trust above all others: essentially, myself. Having just spent the entire night watching our exact doubles interact, I could not help but be struck by certain parallels. And I have come to the conclusion that I am experiencing more than a simple biological response to you, and am thus forced to admit that I have emotions."

Only Sheldon could look so cross at being normal. Penny tries not to laugh at him, and to deny that her heart is beating faster. Because if she's right with her translating Sheldon into English, he's trying to tell her that he has feelings for her.

"So," He takes a deep breath, "I would like to offer myself as a candidate for your affections."

He holds his breath. She stares at him. And although the corners of her mouth turn up, she doesn't laugh in his face.

"I thought you weren't interested in human relationships."

"I'm interested in one with _you_." Sheldon explains. "I can see no reason why we shouldn't enter into such a venture. You are not currently involved with any another male. I am both healthy and fully functional. In addition, I am possessed of not one but two doctorates, and lack any previous entanglements or obligations, which should please your father, and whilst I don't have a spotless criminal record, I don't feel that my touch of 'bad boy charm' would deter you."

Penny tries to imagine Sheldon as a hardened offender, or sporting a gang tat. Bites her lip. He's so impossibly sweet and earnest. And _he's_ the one persuading _her_ that this would be a good idea? But mentioning his academic achievements, that makes her frown a little.

"You do know that I'm never gonna understand your work?"

"Few people do. I am never going to understand your obsession with shoes. What is your point?"

"Just...you're always gonna think I'm stupid."

"Penny, I think everybody is stupid. But you waste your potential. If you applied some discipline to your life, you could achieve so much more."

She narrows her eyes.

"And maybe you could learn to get that stick out of your butt."

Sheldon looks down at her, mouth pursed. Then he sighs.

"It's a deal." He says.

Penny opens her mouth, shuts it again. So this is how it could work? Her chaos and his order. And it could definitely work that way. They _know_ it could.

Sheldon clears his throat.

"At this point in the narrative, I believe the convention is for some mild public display of affection."

Penny blinks, then she grins at him, eyebrows raised.

"Sheldon Cooper, are you saying that you _want_ me to kiss you?"

He looks slightly cross.

"No." And then, before her heart can crumble into tiny pieces, "I am saying that I would like _us_ to kiss each other, a mutual action..."

Perhaps it would not rank in the annals of history as one of the Greatest Kisses of All Time. It is sweetly awkward, and she's as nervous as he is. But it is only their first kiss, after all, and everything must begin somewhere.

("Oooh." Penelope stifles a happy squeal. "What did you do, mojo him?"

"Not at all. I presented him with a reasoned, logical argument."

"In favour of what?"

"That when circumstances combine to introduce you to a beautiful woman who would make a truly admirable mate, only a complete fool would ignore the fact."

"Aaw, sweetie, you're just a romantic at heart."

"Nonsense. I'm a rational man who dislikes seeing potential wasted." He shuffles, sighs, "And...I don't like seeing you unhappy, even if it isn't strictly you."

Penelope beams at him. Taking on that contract kill had been the second-best decision she ever made. Not completing it was _definitely_ the best.)


	13. Chapter 13

Sheldon has never understood the attraction of kissing before, thinking it merely a horribly unhygienic action. Now, as an active participant, he is prepared to alter his stance in the light of new data. Somewhere along the way, this has become something he wants to do, not something being done to him. He regretfully concludes that while his brain might be more highly evolved, the rest of him is extremely human, and that his attempts at a denial of emotion have been a sad failure. Still, this is a glorious defeat.

Penny had expected Sheldon to be stiff and nervous. She's forgotten his curiosity, and the fact that he's never particularly shy or self-conscious. He's a little clumsy, but she can _feel_ him thinking about this, a certain determination. And then he makes a happy little noise of discovery, and tilts his head slightly, and suddenly, she's no longer the aggressor here.

When they pull back, both breathless and a little startled, he blinks at her.

"I never wanted to kiss anybody before."

He looks so innocently pleased with himself that Penny almost wants to cry.

"You did very well for your first time."

"Naturally." And he gives her a hopeful look out of the corner of his eye. "But I expect I can improve, with practise?"

Penny thinks about all that intelligence and obsessive attention to detail. Licks her lips.

"Yeah." She croaks. "I expect you will."

"...I'll draw up a schedule."

And _that_ is pure Sheldon. She laughs. At him, at herself, at second chances, at a world that is no longer the tired treadmill it was.

"I don't know about that, sweetie. I guess...we'll take it one day at a time." Sees his mouth open, and hurries on, "You'll still have your routine, but we can discuss stuff as and when it happens, yeah? Like you were able to cope tonight with all the weirdness without freaking out."

"This will be an interesting experiment..." She tries to step back, suddenly hurt, but he's not letting her go. "_We_ are the experiment. The definition being – a course of action undertaken to test a hypothesis, a supposition, made as the starting point for further investigation."

"Kinda like a journey? Or a quest?" Penny considers it, still tense. "So, what, I'm like the prize at the end of it?"

"No, you are my companion on the voyage of discovery."

She likes that better than being a trophy. And she's fairly sure that Sheldon has put a capital 'C' on 'Companion', given his fascination with timey-wimey aliens. Grins up at him.

"I'm your Rose?"

Sheldon looks thoughtful, and then smiles.

"More like my Tardis. Unpredictable, and prone to taking me to somewhere I wasn't expecting to go. But...perhaps it _is_ where I need to be."

Penny has been told a lot of things by guys. They've complimented her hair, her smile, leered at her chest and ass, told her she's great in bed.

Being compared to some bust-up old fictional spaceship? Somehow, that wins, hands down.

00000000

Penelope hugs Penny hard, and then turns and hugs Sheldon, too. And Sheldon, bless him, twitches, then very cautiously hugs her back. Sheldor gives Penny an equally brief and awkward embrace. Then he holds out a hand to Sheldon.

"I must thank you for your ability to provide an answer to our dilemma." He says, a little stiffly. "I am not accustomed to being... at a disadvantage."

With quiet ceremony, Sheldon shakes the hand of the one man he could ever consider a true equal.

"If our positions were reversed, I am not sure that I would find myself at all capable in your world." He feels able to admit that much. "And...I must thank you, too, for your...insights."

Sheldor leans forward, lowers his voice.

"You may find the endeavour occasionally baffling, but I assure you that the rewards far outweigh any frustrations."

"I think they're talking about us." Penelope says, looks up at Sheldor though her lashes. "You're no picnic, either, sweetie." She turns to Penny, "He'll be all kinds of stubborn and annoying, and you may want to hit him over the head a few times, but he'll be so worth it."

"Yeah, I think he will." Penny flicks a quick smile up at Sheldon, watches him flush. "I know this has been all been really weird, and a complete pain in the ass for you, but I'm not sorry the accident brought you guys here."

"Me, neither." Penelope gives her a last hard hug. "Remember, stick to the steak, honey."

"I will. Um, fly safely."

Penelope gives her a last misty grin, and scrambles up to begin her pre-flight checks. Sheldor catches the pair of brass flying-goggles she tosses down to him, snaps them on.

"It might be a good idea for you to retreat to a safe distance. The downdraft will be considerable." Clears his throat. "It has been an... interesting and occasionally enjoyable experience. Despite the circumstances that caused it." Raises his hand in salute. "May your lives be lengthy, and full of success."

Penny pats Tranquillity's warm scales one last time, stares into that golden eye.

"Goodbye. And...thank you." She whispers, and she's never sure if that lowered eyelid is a wink, or not.

From the shelter of the roadway, they look back and up.

Sheldor is tracing in the air, the precision of a top-flight surgeon, a world-class conductor. Reprogramming reality, a mathemagician.

There's the moment when you wait for the storm you know is coming. The way the air changes, the smell of it. The cloud is tiny, at first. A haze, a smudge, a wisp. But it blooms out of nowhere, sprawling across the sky, fast and eerie. Sheldor moves to hoist himself up onto the crouching dragon, settles himself behind Penelope, as above them, the billows begin to darken. The ozone smell grows stronger, and strange lightnings flare deep within the turmoil.

Sheldon's lips are moving soundlessly. Penny wonders if he's praying, but realises that he's reciting numbers. (Actually, the digits of pi.) Screw this, _she's_ scared. Reaches out and pulls his arms round herself, and after one rigid second, he lets her.

Above them, the sky rips open. A vast, yawning gateway, the edges boil, churning clouds filled with colours that have no name, streaming away in banners of light, falling upwards towards...another world. A glimpse of a vast, trackless plain, forest-mantled mountains, and a savage spire of stone above a jumble of roofs and chimneys.

Tranquillity lifts her head, and her nostrils flare. She smells _home_. Her wings unfurl, and she roars, a great, primal bellow. A gathering of tension, all breath and muscle, and then with a powerful thrust of her hind legs, those great wings sweep down, and she launches into the air. She lurches a little, and Penny, heart in her mouth, clutches Sheldon's shirt even as his arms tighten. But then she steadies, and something that big shouldn't be so graceful. Powerful downbeats, and the wing is holding, she's gaining height and speed, rising up over the highway.

Those watching the sky suddenly find their vision filled with dragon. Vehicles veer across lanes, skid to a halt, slither, shunt. Shattered glass, crumpled metal, blare of horns and alarms, screams and yells.

For one instant, the great serpentine form hangs there, a dark silhouette against the light. And then the clouds roll in behind her, folding in on themselves and burning away, to leave nothing but a green afterimage, and then a hazy morning sky.

Penny realises that her cheeks are wet.

"You think they'll get home alright?"

"Penny, he's a version of me, and she is a version of you." Sheldon's chin lifts, his own eyes bright. "And I think that together, those two can accomplish anything that they wish to."

The world is colourless, the drab grey of pre-dawn, and just a little chilly. Penny shivers suddenly, gives a jaw-cracking yawn that sets Sheldon off, too.

"The artificial energy imparted by the sucrose and theobromine is starting to wear off."

"I need a really big cup of coffee." Her face twists. "Shoot. I haven't done my groceries this week."

"I have." Sheldon gives a resigned sigh. "And I bought extra milk with your predations in mind."

Penny shakes her head and laughs at him, tilts her head at the sound of distant sirens.

"C'mon, honey. I think we should get back to the car before this place gets overrun with cops and monster hunters."

She turns to walk back along the pathway. He isn't a fan of unnecessary touching, but suddenly, now, it has become the most necessary thing in the world. If Sheldor can reach across dimensions, then he can reach across six inches. Butterfly light, his fingers brush hers.

It isn't perhaps so very much. But she smiles up at him as if he's given her the greatest prize in the world, and he smiles tremulously back, reassured by the warmth of her palm and the way her fingers fit so perfectly, twining gently with his own, to form a tiny cage of flesh and bone, holding the beginnings of something fragile and marvellous within it.

00000000

Penny reckons that the tip in reality will have every loose nut in the greater LA area rolling towards the park, and judging by the traffic, she's right. They pass one idiot who has been pulled over with what looks like a full-size harpoon gun lashed to the top of his truck.

She puts the radio on, more to keep her awake than out of a need for music, and they listen to the early news, with the superior glow of those with inside knowledge. Sheldon expresses amused condescension at the wildly inaccurate scientific explanations. 'Alien Space Bat sighted over the Devil's Gate Dam' makes them both laugh out loud. Penny smirks.

"This is L.A, sweetie. Betcha by this time next week, they'll be selling 'dragon dogs' at the Rosebowl. Hot sauce, hot mustard, and extra peppers." (She's right.)

She glances sideways at her... new boyfriend? Sheldon is never going to lounge, but he seems more relaxed than she has ever seen him, and although he's clearly exhausted, he doesn't look tense. With his heavy eyes and shadowed jaw, he looks like a man this morning. She knows now, however neurotic he gets, there's an actual guy under all that weirdness, (and if her eyes stray up to his lips or down to his fingers, that's okay, she's allowed to have bad thoughts, now.) The fact she's actually having bad thoughts about _Sheldon..._would seem ridiculous, except for the memory of his mouth on hers, and the way he reached out to hold her hand.

Normally, new guy would mean back to his place, or her place, and maybe call in sick to work. She still thinks she might take a personal day, but what she really wants is sleep, and coffee, and maybe a bath. And she thinks that that is the way to do this. She wants to get this _right_. Sheldon isn't in this just for the sex (though she's suddenly and happily sure that he won't be adverse to it) - and he's not the kind of guy you can 'pump and dump', and then expect him to head off and find someone else to jump into bed with. He's been dragged into having feelings for her (she daren't quite use the 'l' word, yet, even in the privacy of her head) almost against his will, and she doesn't want to scare him back into his shell, he might never come out again. He might not want to be human, and she might not be what he ever expected, or what some dumbass computer dating service spit out for him, but he _is_ human, and somehow, she seems to be what he wants, in spite of himself. She'll need all her wits about her to deal with him, and she's never going to be able to take his reactions for granted.

She'll never be able to fake tears with him – he won't let her get away with that crap. He'll never do anything for her just because he wants in her pants, but he'll drop his work without a second thought if he's needed. He expects her to do more and be more, and not just be. Stifles a grin - she'll be the one changing the tyres and fixing the plumbing, and he'll be the one cleaning the bathroom and baking. But hey, he makes awesome zucchini bread, and maybe it's time she dredged up a little of that farm-girl practicality she's been downplaying for far too long.

It's not a question of changing him. (Well, maybe that plaid suit needs to go...) More... teaching him to act like people sometimes. Get him to tone down the crazy a little sometimes, so everyone can appreciate the mind and the man behind it. So transparently honest, you couldn't trust him with a secret, but you would trust him with your life. Or your heart.

Sheldon is listening to the radio with half his attention. The rest of his mind is still processing the aftershocks. He knows that he has allowed things to slide, living inside his world of order and intellect, and ignoring events around him. Every group has a scapegoat, and he had found himself elected to the position through his inattention. Well, Sheldon Cooper is done with being everybody's fool. Things will be changing. He is under no illusions that a lot of these changes will be scary and a little painful. But he has confidence in his ability to cope, now that he is aware of the pattern. And not all change is bad. Remembers the feel of Penny in his arms, and reflexively licks his lips. Some changes in his life promise to be very enjoyable. He has a girlfriend. And while it is true that she is a girl who is also his friend, in this case, there is also the true emotional freight of the word. A regular companion with whom one shares a romantic and... sexual (his cheeks heat) relationship. Oddly, though, he thinks it is the former rather than the latter that scares him more. The mechanics are straightforward, and he is fairly aware that his body is very normal, despite his best efforts to ignore it as more than a machine for transporting his mind. And Penny will teach him what to do, he is willing to submit to her expertise. The messy business of emotions, though... he huffs softly.

"This is all going to be so terribly strange to me."

"Me, too." Penny's voice is small. "You... aren't like any other guy I've dated."

"I should hope not." Fidgets. "So this will all be new to you as well?"

"Yeah." And just like that, the weight of all the past rolls away. Her smile is bright, delighted. "Yeah, it will be, won't it? Cool."

He doesn't completely understand, but Penny is smiling at him, that wide, sweet, happy smile he thought had been lost.

It seems that kissing her seems to improve her mood. (And his.) Sheldon finds himself not caring particularly if it is a release of endorphins, or a function of catecholamine neurotransmitters – for once he is simply content to feel, and to hope, and to smile excitedly back.

00000000

Leonard trudges up the stairs. Cleared of deliberate sabotage, and without any other evidence against them, they have been released without charge. There is still the uncomfortable suspicion that Caltech and the JPL might have further questions, but the twin threat of prison or the psych ward has lifted. The rather perfunctory dismissal (it couldn't be termed an apology) from the FBI has done little to mitigate the misery of the night, though.

"No evidence of explosives, I guess we'll leave the power company to figure this one out. As for the rest of it... " Jones had put the statement down, picked up the corner of the evidence bag, full of soggy scraps of pasteboard.

Leonard had held his breath. Those playing cards will have been discovered to be loaded with weird explosive microcircuitry, or soaked in some esoteric form of LSD. They are Sheldon's playing cards, after all, and that's the way things usually work out. (Sheldon should be the one doing something ridiculous, and hauled in by the authorities, Sheldon should be the one in the paper gown, and complaining that his mother had had him tested already. It's somehow _funny_ when these things happen to Sheldon.)

Instead, the large, scary and decidedly unbeautiful FBI agent had given him a very tired look, and said,

"Off the record here, okay. Magic playing-cards? A sword-wielding warrior-wizard? A leather-clad barbarian princess astride a dragon? Guys, you maybe need to ease off the caffeine and get out more. Your buddy Dr Cooper might have all sorts of peculiarities, but he's the one who is out someplace with a rather attractive young woman. Now, that sounds a lot more normal to me than hanging about in a lab late at night and playing some strange card game."

Sheer incredulity had added an octave to Leonard's voice.

"They went out looking for the dragon."

"Yeah, you said. I don't care what you want to call it, he's a grown man, and whatever he's doing has nothing to do with this investigation. Lights in the sky and spooky monsters are a whole different department." (Page had kicked him under the table, then, but Jones had kept his face straight.) "Go home, Dr Hofstadter. Get some sleep. Lay off the allergy medication. We have no further questions at this time."

They had had to call a cab. Which smelt exactly like an LA cab at the end of a long night, and was driven by a man who had obviously learnt to drive in another country. Or maybe on another planet. Leonard doesn't think anything could surprise him, now. Even the Cossack death-metal balalaika music. Howard has gone home to face his mother. Raj has gone home to face Priya. Leonard has been informed icily that she'll be talking to him later. Now, he just wants his bed. He staggers wearily in through the apartment door. And there is Sheldon, as if nothing had ever happened. Well, he hopes that that is his room-mate. Unshaven, with rumpled hair and still in a dark sweater and pants...

"Sheldon?" He asks, cautiously.

"Sshhh." Sheldon gestures, finger to his lips. "You'll wake Penny."

There is a sleepy grumble, and Penny sits up on the couch, wiping at her eyes.

"...'fffee?" She slurs.

Sheldon tuts, and begins to fuss with the coffee-pot. Leonard looks warily around.

"Our... guests went home, then? Along with..._it_?"

"Sheldor, Penelope and Tranquillity have all returned to their world of origin, yes. The early morning news referred to it as an 'atmospheric disturbance', of course, but I doubt that there are many people capable of understanding the complex mechanics of enabling a transdimensional interface through thaumatic phase-space manipulation."

"Uh?"

"Sheldor magicked a big hole in the sky." Penny accepts the mug of coffee Sheldon pours her.

Leonard gives a sigh of relief. Everything can go back to normal, now. The crazy people and their monster have gone, the JPL is Howard's problem, Priya will forgive him when he explains that Penny called him up to deal with Sheldon, and Penny always forgives him. And if Priya _doesn't_ forgive him, then maybe...

He slides his eyes sideways. Penny has changed her make-up or something – the smudged eyes and bedhead look quite alluring today. And surely he deserves some sympathy after the horrible, traumatic night he's had. He edges a bit closer as he fills his own mug and tries to convey a wounded, sensitive air.

"Leonard, do you have indigestion?" Sheldon asks. Leonard glares.

"I spent the night being interrogated by the FBI, actually." Turns puppy eyes towards Penny. "I was questioned for hours. There were needles. And really bad coffee."

"That's nice, sweetie." Penny says absently, frowning at her phone. "Sheldon, why have I got a text from Amy, congratulating me and informing me that as her 'bestie', I am required to 'dish the dirt' later?"

"Oh, I responded to a text enquiring as to my whereabouts by informing her that I had been up all night with you, and that we redefined the parameters of our relationship."

Leonard gives a smothered snort. Sheldon blinks at him. Penny sighs.

"He's implying that that sounds like we had sex, honey."

"Oh. Really, Leonard, we haven't progressed _that_ far into our courtship yet." Sheldon says, reprovingly.

Leonard's brain goes blank.

"You...she...yet..._what_?"

"Sheldon and I have decided to try dating." Penny explains kindly.

"Dating? But...you... he doesn't...what the hell, Sheldon, you've never even _wanted_ a 'deal'."

"That is true. But I have discovered that I have one, regardless, and that my 'deal' is Penny." He smiles at Penny, a goofy little smile.

Leonard waits for the 'bazinga'. He keeps waiting.

Instead, Penny puts her mug down carefully on the counter, reaches up on tiptoe. There is a quite noticeable absence of recoiling, spluttering or blank confusion from the tall man. His arms hover, and then fold awkwardly round her.

Penny is kissing Sheldon. _ Sheldon_ is kissing _Penny_. _Sheldon_ is _kissing_...

Someone in this scenario surely has to be drunk. And since Penny and Sheldon appear to have forgotten that he even exists, Leonard decides that it really might as well be him.

His phone rings.

"Hello, Dr Gablehouser...no, there are no charges at this time, just an unfortunate accident...no, he wasn't involved at all, actually...no, he _is_ still alive...he's kissing his new girlfriend in the kitchen at the moment...no, I'm not on any medication, I just wish I was...no, he didn't build her, she's real...no, she's not on any medication, either...no, though he probably should be... right now, sir?...well, I was just going to go and hide under my bedclothes, since I'm fairly sure that the world is in the process of ending. Have a nice day..."

00000000

_As for what happened to Penelope's war-axe..._

The demonforged blade smashes down with an unstoppable fury, and the hapless prey screeches, vital fluids spilling from a shattered body.

The assembled crowd trembles in fear, awe (and quite a lot of lust.) They had thought that the pretty blonde in the pink t-shirt was just a supportive girlfriend. Right up until she started destroying the opposition. She looks up questioningly at her companion. The tall man with the terrifying smile gives a slow, calm nod.

She gives a feral smirk, presses the button, though the flamethrower is overkill by this point, really. The 'Kripke Krippler' expires, a mess of charred and melted junk, and 'Tranquillity II' circles gleefully.

Sheldon is intending the victory kiss to be a modest peck. Penny has other ideas.

She wins. He lets her.

00000000

.

.

.

_A/N - So... this was meant to be a 2,000 word one-shot. Yeah, that went well..._

_I know many people wanted me to feed Leonard to the dragon. But I felt that would be cruel – I'm rather fond of Tranquillity. Her feline alter ego is presently sleeping on my bed. She has never assaulted a hotdog cart, but watching her chow down on a mouse is an experience._

_The angry Elven platypus was Trbl's suggestion. RuneScape was never like this..._

_The 'nine pictures that open a gateway' were pinched from Arturo Pérez-Reverte 'The Dumas Club', but Jack Parsons was real, and did indeed attempt the Babalon Working in 1946. A founder member of the JPL, and a follower of Aleister Crowley, he would chant a hymn to the Great God Pan before each test launch. Sheldon is by no means the weirdest person Caltech has ever dealt with._

_No Tropes were Harmed in the Writing of this Fic. _


End file.
